I took a home pregnancy test this morning and I got a big fat negative. I want to be disappointed, I really do, but something is preventing me from getting overly upset about it.
For the first time since we started trying to have a baby (back in October), I am at peace with the fact that I have yet to get pregnant.
There are people who've been trying to have a baby for a lot longer than I have... and there are women who have been told by doctors that they simply can't bare children. I am so lucky to *not* be at that point yet. According to my doctor, I'm still in the "normal" time period, and even more so because I have very unsteady periods, so it's not like I missed an opportunity every month.
How can I get pregnant if I don't ovulate?
That is how I'm viewing this situation. My body has made it obvious that, for whatever reason, I don't ovulate normally... I can't expect a baby if I don't have an egg to fertilize. Looking at it from a scientific perspective has really improved my outlook.
It could also be that the last month and a half has been pretty tumultuous and that my mind is not prepared to deal with any more disappointment than is absolutely necessary.
At this point, I feel like throwing my hands up and saying "Ok, so I'm not pregnant... NEXT."
I don't want to blame whatever issues I have with my body on God. It always seems to me that people blame God for everything, but give Him/Her credit for nothing. I hear a lot of "I found this $100 bill on the floor, how lucky am I?!"
"Wow, I got a promotion, I worked really hard and earned this!"
"I kept my job in this recession, I must be valuable to this company!"
And then I hear a lot of
"My cat died... God had other plans for her."
"I just found out that my brother has cancer... how could God do this to us?"
"I don't understand why my life is this terrible, but I'm sure that God wouldn't give me more than I can handle."
I understand if you believe that God has a hand in EVERYTHING, good and bad... so that you give thanks to Him/Her in all situations. But I just don't think it would be fair for me to blame God for whatever difficulties I am experiencing because I don't have a close relationship with God. I was never brought up to be religious... and it helps me feel better when I look at things from the view that it's *noone's* fault that I'm having issues. It just happened because sometimes, shit just happens.
Though I have certainly noticed the ease with which people who don't want to get pregnant become pregnanty quickly, I can't associate myself with them or overanalyze it, because I'll become bitter. Someone on the Babies On The Brain message board mentioned that it seems the only people getting pregnant without some form of difficulty are teenagers, crackheads, people with meth labs, and people who in a general sense should not be having children. When I look at it from that point of view, it's harder for me to avoid the "bitter uterus" syndrome where I start hating everyone who is getting pregnant. But I don't want to do that. I don't want to feel anything but positive energy and bubbly enthusiasm for any of my friends who have the awesome opportunity to carry a child. I don't want to get to a point where I am placing my friends in the same group as crackheads and meth lab owners. When I think of how ridiculously happy it would make me to get pregnant, it just reinforces this knowledge. If something so wonderful happened to me, how would I feel if someone else harbored ill will towards me about it... especially if it were a friend? It would be devastating. Besides, if I think of this from a logical perspective, it makes no sense to associate my physical problems with someone else's good news. The announcement, "I'm pregnant," from someone I don't even know shouldn't immediately make me think "Why can't I get pregnant?! What's wrong with ME? This person has made me angry because they are experiencing something that I want... I'm jealous to the point of tears." That makes no sense to me, and so I refuse to feed into that mindset.
I have hope, and that's all I can really ask for.
There is always hope.