What an awful blogger I have been. Two months and no posts. Come to think of it, I haven't even read any of the blogs I used to frequent on a daily basis. Life has just been so overwhelming, and not necessarily in a bad way.
I'm always amazed at just how fast time goes by, and not only when I'm having fun. My life seems to just keep flying by and, even through the bad times, I'm shocked at how quickly the days turn into weeks and months and years.
Among the many things swirling around in this proverbial town called Amberville, there was the death of my dog, Danzig, last Sunday. It was one of the hardest things that I've ever had to try and overcome. He was just a baby, getting ready to turn 4 next month. In a fun twist of fate, he was born on my birthday and I used to always refer to him as my cutest gift ever. He died of kidney and liver failure... the vet at the animal hospital said there was absolutely nothing more we could have done for him because it was something that had been happening for a long time, probably since he was born. I felt absolutely awful and helpless, but we did everything we could to keep him comfortable on his last night. We took him home from the hospital so he could be with us in the comfort of our home and we cuddled with him until he died about an hour later.
I miss him so much and I think today was actually the first day that I didn't cry. I know I'll always miss him, but he taught me so much about kindness, patience, love and (with his passing) the acceptance that there are things in life I will never be able to control.
He also helped me to understand that I'm a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. Throughout the entire ordeal, Russell and I maintained the most positive outlook that we could. When they told us that he was doing poorly, we told ourselves that with the IVs and medical attention he would pull through it and he'd get better. When they told us that they didn't think he was well enough for surgery, we told them to keep him at the hospital no matter what the cost and that he'd be ready for surgery soon. When they told us to euthanize him because there was no way he was going to make it, we told them we wanted to take him home so that we could be with him and, perhaps because we were in denial, nurse him back to health ourselves.
At each negative turning point I told myself that I couldn't deal with any more, that I'd become physically ill if I got more bad news... and yet every time poor Danzig was dealt another blow I managed to listen and hope for the best.
Even when we had a funeral for him and we buried him under the weeping willow tree in our back yard, when I could hear my heart beat in my ears because I was crying so hard, I picked up a shovel and helped pour the dirt into his grave. I wanted to do whatever I could to carry some of what was happening on my shoulders. He was my baby, what else could I do?
I wish we could have had Ziggy in our lives forever, or at least for a while longer than we did.
The time really did fly by... and I have no idea where it went.