Visiting the Lost & Found: In Search of my Inner Botticelli

It is 11:51 p.m. on January 2nd and I am just now writing my New Years post.

I am always late, just ask my mother... and my father. Actually, you could probably ask just about anyone who knows me.

For the last 48 hours, I have been amazed by some of the resolutions and beautiful thoughts that my friends have shared on their blogs. I've laughed, I've cried, I've cringed and I've snorted with amusement. And yet, I feel the slightest bit of remorse at having waited this long to post about my own thoughts and resolutions.

I've never been one to make resolutions. If I were to be totally honest, I would say that I normally scoff at the idea. However, at this exact moment, sitting at my computer and nursing my homemade cosmopolitan, not only do I feel like I want to make a few changes in my life, I think that I need to.

I would love to sit here and regal you all with the most interesting of tales... to make you weep at my loss and rejoice in my success, but 2009 really didn't mean much of anything to me. There were certainly ups and I know there were downs, but there were no monumental realizations, no epiphanies or repressed memories uncovered. That makes me feel... well... sort of boring.

I know what I want for 2010. I suppose they could be called "resolutions," but in an effort to actually stick with them for more than 4 weeks, I'd like to simply refer to them as "thought-sparks." Look at me, making up words again. Oh happy day, I've even made a list.

My Thought-Sparks for 2010:
1. I'd like to focus more on becoming financially stable. I'm not exactly sure whether that means getting a raise, finding some miraculous way to pay off our debts, or finding a job that pays me what I feel I deserve.
2. I'd like to be more patient. I feel that I will occasionally lash out at others without knowing the full story.
3. I'd like to have a more positive outlook on life. I used to view myself as neither an optimist nor pessimist, but a realist. My motto was "the glass is both half empty AND half full, but you should probably drink it before someone else does." I'm not so sure if that's my current state of mind, but I'd like to be grateful that I even HAVE a glass to begin with.
4. I'd like to stop being so stressed out. Over the last few years, I've noticed a decreased capacity for handling even the slightest amount of stress. I'd really love to change that. Feeling stress throughout 90% of your day can't be very healthy.
5. I'd like to be more healthy. That means mentally *and* physically. I'd love to drop 20 pounds, but I'd also love to believe my husband when he tells me I'm beautiful. It's been a long time since I've felt really pretty and I think that a healthy lifestyle requires a certain amount of positive self esteem.
6. I'd like to be more trusting. I suppose that this thought-spark is in direct reflection of #5.
7. Last, but certainly not least, I'd love to just get back to the old me. I understand that everyone changes, and I'm no exception to the rule. But there was a time in my life, not so long ago, that I was a completely different person. I wasn't annoyed by small and insignificant things. I wasn't completely derailed when there was a bump in my proverbial train tracks. And, most of all, I wasn't terrified of every little obstacle that got in my way.

I used to be a freaking bulldozer.

If there was an issue, I'd tackle it like a professional UFC fighter. If there was a rock in my path, I'd just kick it to the side. I didn't sit there and wonder WHY I had a rock in my path, I just picked the rock up and threw it, and then went on my merry little way. I didn't dwell over my own circumstances, knowing full well that others were dealt blows far worse than my own, I just took what I was given and made the best of it.

I'm not sure where that mental Amazonian went, and how buried in the recesses of my psyche she is, but I'd love to get her back.

I'd love to stop being terrified of everything that I can't control and the things that I don't understand.

Somewhere along the lines I lost my inner Botticelli-babe. In 2010, I hope to get her back.

Happy New Year. I hope your 2010 is filled with love, beauty and peace of mind.