Saturday, January 2, 2010

Visiting the Lost & Found: In Search of my Inner Botticelli

It is 11:51 p.m. on January 2nd and I am just now writing my New Years post.

I am always late, just ask my mother... and my father. Actually, you could probably ask just about anyone who knows me.

For the last 48 hours, I have been amazed by some of the resolutions and beautiful thoughts that my friends have shared on their blogs. I've laughed, I've cried, I've cringed and I've snorted with amusement. And yet, I feel the slightest bit of remorse at having waited this long to post about my own thoughts and resolutions.

I've never been one to make resolutions. If I were to be totally honest, I would say that I normally scoff at the idea. However, at this exact moment, sitting at my computer and nursing my homemade cosmopolitan, not only do I feel like I want to make a few changes in my life, I think that I need to.

I would love to sit here and regal you all with the most interesting of tales... to make you weep at my loss and rejoice in my success, but 2009 really didn't mean much of anything to me. There were certainly ups and I know there were downs, but there were no monumental realizations, no epiphanies or repressed memories uncovered. That makes me feel... well... sort of boring.

I know what I want for 2010. I suppose they could be called "resolutions," but in an effort to actually stick with them for more than 4 weeks, I'd like to simply refer to them as "thought-sparks." Look at me, making up words again. Oh happy day, I've even made a list.

My Thought-Sparks for 2010:
1. I'd like to focus more on becoming financially stable. I'm not exactly sure whether that means getting a raise, finding some miraculous way to pay off our debts, or finding a job that pays me what I feel I deserve.
2. I'd like to be more patient. I feel that I will occasionally lash out at others without knowing the full story.
3. I'd like to have a more positive outlook on life. I used to view myself as neither an optimist nor pessimist, but a realist. My motto was "the glass is both half empty AND half full, but you should probably drink it before someone else does." I'm not so sure if that's my current state of mind, but I'd like to be grateful that I even HAVE a glass to begin with.
4. I'd like to stop being so stressed out. Over the last few years, I've noticed a decreased capacity for handling even the slightest amount of stress. I'd really love to change that. Feeling stress throughout 90% of your day can't be very healthy.
5. I'd like to be more healthy. That means mentally *and* physically. I'd love to drop 20 pounds, but I'd also love to believe my husband when he tells me I'm beautiful. It's been a long time since I've felt really pretty and I think that a healthy lifestyle requires a certain amount of positive self esteem.
6. I'd like to be more trusting. I suppose that this thought-spark is in direct reflection of #5.
7. Last, but certainly not least, I'd love to just get back to the old me. I understand that everyone changes, and I'm no exception to the rule. But there was a time in my life, not so long ago, that I was a completely different person. I wasn't annoyed by small and insignificant things. I wasn't completely derailed when there was a bump in my proverbial train tracks. And, most of all, I wasn't terrified of every little obstacle that got in my way.

I used to be a freaking bulldozer.

If there was an issue, I'd tackle it like a professional UFC fighter. If there was a rock in my path, I'd just kick it to the side. I didn't sit there and wonder WHY I had a rock in my path, I just picked the rock up and threw it, and then went on my merry little way. I didn't dwell over my own circumstances, knowing full well that others were dealt blows far worse than my own, I just took what I was given and made the best of it.

I'm not sure where that mental Amazonian went, and how buried in the recesses of my psyche she is, but I'd love to get her back.

I'd love to stop being terrified of everything that I can't control and the things that I don't understand.

Somewhere along the lines I lost my inner Botticelli-babe. In 2010, I hope to get her back.

Happy New Year. I hope your 2010 is filled with love, beauty and peace of mind.
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MandiPandi said...

It's crazy how much you really touched on some things that I think a lot of people feel. As for your goal of thinking more positively, I've learned it's all a choice. You choose how you react to a situation (easier said than done right)? I definitely had a laugh at ur glass half empty and half full analogy! Great New Years resolutions, good luck and “Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest!"

Miss Dot said...

Hey -- a late NY's post is better than no NY's post! Happy New Year -- I love all your resolutions, especially #5.

This should cheer you up, too: Come check out your awards!

JDaniel4's Mom said...

Stopping by from SITS! Happy New Year!

Melissa B. said...

All worthy goals for 2010...SITS sent me by, and I'm glad they did!

How to Be a Better Blogger

Mommy of Many said...

Simply beautiful!!! You are an awesome writer, I felt what you were writing, and in some strange way I felt connected and moved to maybe make some resolutions of my own. I can surely relate to wanting to be healthier physically and mentally....thanks for stopping by my blog today on my SITS Day. I will surely be back to visit your blog....oh, and yes that is Chapel Hill, NC. We actually reside in Raleigh though.

Christine Macdonald said...

Well said, girlie. Love your style. Following.

From Tracie said...

I love the idea of "thought sparks" what a great mental image that brings up!

I hope your 2010 has been fulfilling so far!

From Tracie said...

OH yea, here via SITS =)

Lisa @ This Mommy Works said...

Stopping by from SITS!
Looking forward to seeing your progress in your current posts :-) love the post here!

Blissful Babe said...

Reading from SITS on your awesome day!

I love this post. You and I seem to have the same 'thought sparks'.

I've recently been 'let go', and now I am the owner of my own business!! Of course, it's just getting off the ground, but hey! It's a great feeling.

I hope you find your beautiful inner Boticelli in 2010. Hope you don't mind if I tag along for the ride for some inspiration and motivation!


Be Blissful!

FranticMommy said...

Awesome! I can;t wai to sit down and do my "Thought Spark" list!
p.s I tend to "make up" words too. It's the fabby-est!

Lanita @ A Mother's Hood said...

Your post made start thinking about how we feel about ourselves. Do we really change that much or is it how we FEEL about ourselves that changes? Yes I've put a a couple of unwanted pounds and I am getting older, but that doesn't mean I have become old and ugly. It just means my perception of myself has changed. I need to work on the perception.

Thanks for the thought "spark." And congrats on the SITS day!

Writing Without Periods! said...

Wow, you really sparked something in me with your post. Great resolutions. Glad I read this.

Serenityville said...

Fabulous post - I love finding our inner goddess, or are you doing with your thought-sparks? Came over from SITS, congrats on your SITS day!

MrsJenB said...

What an inspiring post. You've helped me to remember that I started off the year with very similar resolutions. But life is always louder than my inner voice, it seems. I just need to be louder than life!

So glad it's your SITS day so I could read this!

Rachel said...

Really beautiful post. And congrats on losing weight! :)

Laura said...

Congrats on SITS day, and I love the idea of "thought sparks." Resolutions are tools to feeling bad about yourself. Thought sparks are tools to feeling good about yourself. Thanks for the uplifting post.

Anonymous said...

Happy SITS day!

I love your resolutions. We could all improve by following them.

One thing I learned was to do my best but not be too hard on myself if I don't make it all the way.

Sarah said...

happy sits day! good resolutions for everyone as well.

liza said...

That was a great post. I hope your 2010 is bringing you closer to your goals. You're a good writer. I look forward to following you!

Happy SITS Day!

Just Lisa said...

Happy SITS Day! So, how are you doing with your resolutions? Have you found your inner goddess>

Practically Spent said...

I feel very similarly. Do you suppose it's part of becoming older & experiencing the sometimes scary & harsh effects of the world? I gained all that fear the moment I had a child.

Congrats on your time in the SITS spotlight!

Cindi @ Moomette's Magnificents said...

Stopping by to say Happy SITs day!

Apryll said...

Hey! Stopping by from SITS...a few days late. :) Awesome post!!! This is exacty how I felt coming in to 2010!! I fel like I have lost such a huge part of me, and I am not really sure where she went. Nice to read this post 4 months in, spurs me onto action. :)