Friday, February 12, 2010

Oh Ignorant Bliss, How I Love Thee...


Hey look, it's an acrostic poem that spells out ASAP. How fun.

I'm about to jump on the bitter boat people, care to join me? Free drinks for all!!

But, seriously, F my life.

I'm so tired of caring about babies and uteruses (uterii?!) and ovaries and sperm-egg-fertilization.

What a load of happy horse shit.

I pretty much hid my Basal Thermometer from myself so I could no longer chart my temperature and I refuse to keep track of anything fertility related for the next few months.

It's too much disappointment.

My life is filled with all these wonderful things and awesome opportunities and I have been so uppity and positive the last month or two... and I *love* feeling that way! But...

Every time I walk by a lady with a baby in a carriage at Target, every time I see some woman at the store with a bulging baby belly, resting her hand at the top of her belly and looking in the baby aisle with those hugely excited eyes and that pretty glow, it just makes me sick. It makes me want to run and hide because I have no idea how that feels and I have no idea if I will ever feel that way.

So... I'm done with it.

I'm sure I'll change my mind in a month or two, I usually do. I get frustrated, just like everyone else. But I always get back on my feet.

Right now, it's just too much for me to handle.

I can't be happy with my life and satisfied with myself if I'm always feeling like there is something wrong with me internally. Something that shouldn't be wrong with *any* woman.

And that's what sucks so bad about this situation. Being able to get pregnant is such a HUGE part of what separates you as a woman. And without that ability, what am I?

THAT'S what I've been working towards for the last couple of months... THAT'S why I've been so positive. I can't view myself as a walking uterus/cervix/baby maker any more. I'm more than that, I hope.

I want to go back to being blissfully unaware that I have problems ovulating.

I want to be a whiny little brat and feel sorry for myself... and that's just what I'm going to do.

For now.


B Sparkly said...

It's ok to have a pity party once in while...but it's going to get better. It's when you going to stop trying and thinking about it...that's when it's going to happen. I know-it happend to me.
keep on smiling:)

Feeling Fit With Dana said...

I'm glad that you are having your pity party so we can all join in! I agree with Anat, it will happen when you least expect it! If you haven't, be sure to really clean up your diet, I've read that it can affect everything. I'm keeping you in my prayers!

Our Path to Parenthood said...

I'm sorry you are going through this, and I know the bitter feeling and pain. Have a pity party, get mad, it helps to get it all out. Thinking of you.

Angelica said...

I am going through this, every month it feels like. We have been trying for our 2nd one for over a year, and I should be okay, right? I am blessed to have one but pity parties are the best! Then we get over and try again.
Can't wait to read more!

Brenda said...

Stopping by from SITS. I was right where you are 13 years ago. Truthfully, even worse. I was in full-on depression. And had the same thoughts about if I can't be a mother, that's a huge part of being a woman. Etc. Etc. I went through 8 years of infertility. After 8 years, it wasn't just a pity party. I couldn't feel positive about any part of my life.

I'm very glad for you that at least you are writing about it, sharing, getting joy out of life.

And I SO loved your post about the Children's Place and the vision of your little girl. I used to do the VERY SAME THING! I was sure it was going to be a blonde-haired girl. Such cute outfits! I will tell you I feel very lucky to have our son.

Hugs, dear.