Thursday, August 5, 2010

An Entry From Le Journal De Moi :)

When I turned 23, my father gave me what he called my "last journal." I have been getting journals/diaries/poetry books/whatever you want to call them since I was old enough to write. I think I have about 12; all of them half-filled out, all of them with different purposes.

My "last journal" came to me 3 months before my wedding and 3 1/2 months before I moved from Florida to North Carolina. Needless to say, there was plenty to write about. As time went on, I started using this journal as a letter-book to my future baby. When we gave up trying to get pregnant, I stopped writing in it.

I was feeling a bit bummed out tonight (meh, same issues as always, financial crap that I don't need to get into) and I pulled out "last journal." Writing the letter tonight was a very humbling experience; it was 100% different than it ever has been before. Because tonight, for the first time, I was writing to a baby that is actually inside me... the best way I can describe the difference is to compare it to watching a shark cage dive. You can watch a shark through a cage diver's perspective on TV for hours, and it is certainly awesome, there's no denying that. But step in the cage yourself and actually FEEL the water WOOSH by you when a shark is approaching (let's say it's a huge Australian Great White, just for dramatic purposes), to feel your heart race when it bumps against the steel bars that separate you, that is a completely different experience all together.

I have seen a lot of bloggers write their unborn babies letters... I never thought there was anything wrong with that, but I also never thought I'd do it. And, here I am, with an excerpt from my "last journal" that I want to share. I don't know why I want to share it, but I do. I think we can go back to the shark cage dive for this one; I don't know why on Earth I would want to get into a cage and come face to face with hundreds of thousands of years of predatory evolution... but I would do it in a heartbeat :).

Enough babbling... here's my letter!

Hello baby,
It has been a long time since I've written to you. Consistency has never been my forte'. I hope you don't inherit that from me.
I have some good news. I found out on July 23rd that I am pregnant with you. Finally! After almost a two year wait, I have you nestled inside of me, safe and sound.

My first OB appointment is on Monday and I can't wait to meet you!
I was reading some of my previous journal entries and I feel that they're unfair to you. They are very "woe is me." I complain about money, my job, money, arguing with your dad, money.

Don't worry about all that crap, ok?

I finally figured out the secret to solving whatever problems there are... and the secret is that none of those problems matter.
For as long as I'm breathing and walking on this Earth, you will never want for anything.

If there is something that you need, you will get it... even if I have to sell everything I love. I would do these things for you... because I love you MORE than these things. I love you in a way that I will never love anyone... it's different than the way I love your father and your grandparents.
It is so important to me that you are happy and safe that I would sacrifice everything I have to ensure these things happen.

I have never seen an ultrasound image of you (MONDAY!), I have never seen your face, heard your voice, and right now you are the size of a raspberry... and I would already move mountains across continents just to make you happy.

I love you so much... I can't wait to "meet" you on Monday, and I look forward to being the best mom I can possibly be for you.

Love,
Mom

4 comments:

MommaKiss said...

sigh.
so sweet.
i keep journals to both of my boys. I wrote in them from the beginning. appointments, fears, loves. jokes :p good to have :)

Jamee said...

I totally teared up! Can't wait to see u/s pics!

Melanie said...

Sitsgal. That's really sweet, I remember when I did that. I know what you mean too, it's a whole new game when the little one is inside. Just wait until those first few kicks, then the sensations will really kick in!

ANTM T-Shirt Designs And More said...

I still read my journal that I kept when I was pregnant 6 years ago. It's still very special to read. You will go back to it from time to time as your child gets older :-)