Monday, December 28, 2009

It's just another manic Monday

Am I allowed to quote a song that's over 20 years old? Jesus... OVER 20 YEARS OLD? I was 3 when that song came out.

I absolutely idolized the Bangles and if you had told me that, 23 years later, I'd be sitting here using their lyrics to describe my day I'd have completely believed you.

I have been neglecting my blog for the last week or two. I managed to shove a Sexy Cupcake Saturday in, because I didn't want to disappoint all 7,000 of my readers.
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Quite a few things have happened in the last 10 days, and almost none of them were good. Let's get the good stuff out of the way, shall we?

List Of Good Things That Happened To Me:
1. I got some nice stuff from my husband for Christmas. A couple pairs of comfy pajama pants (who doesn't love comfy pajama pants?!) and he used his bonus from work to buy us a new mattress (thank God, we needed it!).

2. My best friend got a webcam and we've been Skyping like crazy. I have seriously never had so much fun sitting in front of the computer and talking about random shit than I have in the last week with her.

3. I didn't die or get fatally wounded.

That's pretty much it.

List Of Bad Things That Happened To Me:
1. I got a positive pregnancy test... except that I don't think it was positive. I'm pretty sure it was a stupid evaporation line from a blue line test (Dollar General, to be specific) that I was dumb enough to buy. Oh my God, I was so incredibly excited. First, I laughed so hard I almost fainted. Then, I cried like a child and ran around my house screaming "I'M PREGNANT, I'M PREGNANT!!!!!" No one was home, by the way. After that, I sat on the floor of the bathroom and had a major freak out attack because I wondered how the hell I would make a good mother when I can't even do simple geometry and algebra. Yes, that was the first thing that popped into my head... I'm terrible at math and I instantly thought about the repercussions of my failed logic on my baby.

2. I bought a digital pregnancy test (mistake #2) and took it home, tested with that and got a negative. I sat in confusion for a little while and shrugged it off, thinking that I'd just test the next morning. Next morning I got another negative on the digital.

3. I bought pink line tests and strained my eyes until they were sore, trying with every ounce of my being to see that damned second line that never showed up.

4. I used up almost every dollar store blue line test I had, trying to see if I could find that faint blue line again... which I did... which didn't count because I'M NOT PREGNANT, I'M JUST FUCKING DELUSIONAL.

5. Fertility Friend took away my crosshairs AGAIN, so now not only does it look like I misread the tests, it also looks like I never even ovulated to begin with.

6. I've had so much advice from so many different people that I think I'm about to go on overload. Some people say a line is a line, congratulations. Some people say to wait and test again in a week. Some people say that Fertility Friend looks right and my temps are so all over the place that it doesn't even look like I ovulated.

I don't even know what to think anymore.

I'll tell you what has crossed my mind more than once this week. I'm sick of fucking charting. I'm sick of the constant disappointment I get when my temps drop and then the false hope when they rise, only to drop even more, and then rise again. It's like a non stop roller coaster of temperatures that end up meaning absolutely nothing in the end.

I'm sick of worrying that there is something wrong with me... something that they haven't been able to pinpoint from the testing that I've had so far. I'm sick of the fact that, even if I DID get tested for the fertility issues that some women face, I wouldn't be able to do anything about whatever it was that was wrong with me because I couldn't afford fertility treatment.

I can't afford adoption either.

I'm sick of feeling like, even though my husband says he'd be totally happy with just the two of us forever, it's MY fault that we haven't had a baby yet and that he somehow resents me for that. I know that's not true, but I see in his eyes the sadness whenever we go out and there's a dad holding his child or a cute baby goes by in a baby carriage.

He thinks I don't see the look on his face but I do.

And it hurts so bad because I know it's the exact same look that I have every single time I see someone fortunate enough to be pregnant or to have already had a baby.

I'm sick of it all, and I'm very seriously considering just giving it up for a while.


Crystal said...

Aww, hang in there. Sounds like you've had a rough year.

The Blonde Duck said...

Popped in from SITS! I hope it gets better soon!

Krista said...

I'm sorry honey. I know what you are going through and it sucks. It sucks bad. Charting sucks too sometimes, but when the time comes to visit the Dr. about infertility, they come in handy.
Big hugs.

Our Path to Parenthood said...

I HATED charting, hated blue dye tests, hated TTC, hated being IF and dealing with it all. I know exactly where you are coming from and how frustrated you are. I hope 2010 is a better year, and hugs to you

LOUD n PROUD said...

I hope Tuesday turned out better for you.
dropping by from SITS

MommaPebz said...

All I can say is, forget the charts, ovulation tests, calendars, temperatures, etc., & just DO IT. literally. LOL.

We tried for 2 1/2 years, found out on Father's Day this past summer we were pregnant, spent the summer in total bliss, and miscarried Sept 28th. =( Sadly we were far enough along to know we had a son, but thankfully we now have a special angel watching over us!

We just got the ok to try again this month, and I am NOT doing anything other than trying. Less stress I think! try try try! lol!