And Here's The Part Where I Feel REALLY Stupid...

I am not 14 weeks... or 15... or even 16. I'm Holy Shit How Did I Get This Pregnant This Fast weeks. And I didn't find that out from my doctor, thank you very much.

I had an appointment to get some blood work on October 7th, just to follow up the ultrasound and blood work for chromosomal abnormalities in Goji that I had on September 7th. Everything seems to be ok, I have not been recommended for any further testing so that makes me happy :).

I was a little shocked at how slow time seemed to be going when I was taken into the exam room and the nurse said "Ok, so you're just here for some blood work and it looks like you're right at 15 weeks!" I just said ok, laid back on the exam table/chair thingy and took a nap (it took the OB 25 minutes to get into the room... normally that would piss me off, but it was a great excuse to catch some z's and I was TIRED).

Now, let me tell you, I am starting to get big. And when I say "big" I mean I had to cave and I FINALLY bought a pair of maternity jeans. They are not too flattering. I started thinking that it would not be so weird for the people at this office to have gotten it wrong when it comes to how far along I am. They changed it four times in the beginning of my pregnancy and I think perhaps they have not fully updated some of their notes. That's fine and dandy for them, but I want to know whether I'm 15 or 16 or however many weeks along... that's important to ME (duh).

After getting home from my appointment I immediately went to my fridge where we have hung a little ultrasound picture of Goji and I checked the dates/info on it. It said that on September 7th I was 13 weeks and 5 days pregnant. So I did the math... that would make me 17 weeks and 2 days pregnant on the day that I went into my appointment. Six days later (today) would put me at just a tad over 18 weeks. So there you have it. I am almost half way through my pregnancy.

I realize that this might sound... oh, I don't really know what word to use here... so let's start over and you can fill in the blank: I realize that this might sound ______________ (ex: stupid, annoying, ridiculous, obnoxious, insulting), but I was so scared at the beginning of the pregnancy when I had the bleeding that everything was going to fall apart, that when I finally realized I could breathe A LITTLE easier, I decided to let things that I can't control go and to just roll with it. I wanted an easy, stress free (well, as stress free as pregnancy can be) time for the baby... a time where I sort of said "Hey, I feel great! I don't need to worry about anything!" NOT a time where I continually freak out about every little cramp or ache.

I'm pretty sure I've found a balance now.

At any rate, here is a belly pic I took at about 17 weeks.



Russell and I are going to find out the sex on November 1st and I am ridiculously excited about that :).

14 Weeks... or is it 15?

A few things:
1) I am a HORRIBLE blogger. I have not posted anything here since the beginning of August when I was having some complications.
2) I could have sworn I was further along... I thought I was going to be 16 weeks on Monday. And yet my ticker says I'll be 15 weeks. Is it terrible that I don't know how far along I am?
Yes, yes it is.
Am I a horrible pregnant mother?
Probably.
Do I care?
A little.

I have another appointment coming up on October 7th... just some routine blood work to follow up on the possibility of chromosomal abnormalities. Nothing to worry about yet, so I'm not going to stress about it.

I'm really trying to update this blog frequently so that I have something to look back on. I've just been so tired lately, it's been difficult to keep up.

I'm going to steal those popular weekly surveys and start posting them. I'll also update with belly pics.

Here is what I believed to be 15 weeks, but what my ticker is claiming as 14. :::::sigh::::: I suppose I'll ask the doctor on Thursday. How the fuck did I mess THAT up?!



How far along? 14 1/2 or 15 1/2 weeks... I'll let you know when I find out (good lord that sounds awful).
Total weight gain: 2 pounds
Maternity clothes? No... but the belly band has become my BFF.
Sleep: Horrible. I have to pee all the time and I am used to sleeping on my stomach, which is no longer possible... because if I try I will literally piss all over myself. Also, I get woken up by ligament pain and fluttering at all sorts of weird hours.
Best moment this week: Chai Tea Latte... that's pretty much the best moment EVERY week.
Gender: 99.99% of people are saying girl... I am still hoping for a boy (though I will be totally happy with ANYTHING healthy, of course).
Movement: Flutters and phantom kicks.
Labor Signs: No, thank God.
Belly Button in or out? In and still pierced! :)
What I miss: Not worrying about peeing when I laugh hard. Actually... not worrying about EVERYTHING.
What I am looking forward to: Finding out the sex.
Weekly Wisdom: Macaroni with cheese, peas and a can of tuna fish (lay off me, I've had one can every two weeks which the doctor says is perfectly fine :P) is great topped with whipped cream.

The Good and The Bad

It's interesting how there is almost always a balance in life. It's so rarely black or white... it's usually a shade of gray that darkens or lightens as time goes on.

When I started spotting yesterday I immediately called my OB and they set up an appointment for me to come in and get checked out. They did an internal ultrasound, found the heartbeat, checked out everything else (ovaries, positioning, etc.), and it was determined that, for the moment, things were ok.

Goji's heartbeat is at 130, which she said is just fine. She also told me that, for nine weeks, he looks pretty small... so they are going to assume that since I'm sort of hazy on the date of my last period, I'm only 7 weeks along.

I keep telling myself that the good news is more important than the bad news. I even made a list:

Good News:
1. Goji is ok
2. Heart is beating at a good rate
3. No ectopic pregnancy worry (I'd been having pains in my side)
4. I got an ultrasound picture to hang on my fridge!
5. Even though I'm still spotting, it is still very light and still a light brown color.

Bad News:
1. Still spotting
2. They pushed me back 2 weeks so I'm now 5 weeks away from being out of my first trimester. I'm sure I'll worry throughout the pregnancy (because that is my nature), but I will worry a lot LESS once I'm out of first tri.

I'm grateful that everything is alright for the moment... but I would really like this spotting to go away. I know it can be harmless in some cases, but it scares the absolute shit out of me.

Not Good

About 3 minutes after writing the post below, I went to pee before I left for work and noticed that I am spotting.

Fuck.

I've called the OB (none of their nurses are there, of course) and now I'm waiting on a call back.

"Fuck" doesn't even describe it really. I am so nervous that I feel like I'm going to puke.

First OB Appointment was A-Ok!

Well...

Not necessarily a-ok.

There was that one part where I got my blood drawn. I get sort of loopy when that happens. I ended up singing to the nurse while she was trying to concentrate on the six huge vials she had to fill (ew). The tune was equivalent to this:

And the lyrics were something like "My bloooooooood, the pretty nurse is taking my blooooooood. It's ok because I don't need iiiiiiiiiit. So she can take mah blooooooooooooood."

And maybe also the part where my OB said she was going to feel the size of my uterus and I thought "Oh, cool, she's just going to press on my abdomen or something..." and right as the words "or something" enter my mind I feel two fingers inserted into my _________ (insert favorite immature vaginal terminology here) and she pushes down on my tummy and I, in my temporary shock, yell "WHOA!!" at ridiculous decipels and in true Joey Lawrence style.

:::::sigh::::: I do love the 80's.

Other than those minor faux pas on my part, everything else went great. I'll be 10 weeks on Thursday and, as long as I don't hear anything back regarding my lab work (pap smear, blood work, etc.) I'm good to go. My next appointment is on August 27th and then I finally get to SEE little Goji Berry. I'm totally excited for that.

I think, though, that I will touch up on my Sinatra. Just in case they want to draw some more blood.

Suddenly I Am Not So Brave

Four hours and seven minutes before my first appointment and I have made a 360 degree turn around from being BEYOND excited to absolutely terrified.

I have no idea *why* I am so nervous. I've resigned myself to being uncomfortable so it's not the actual procedures that are scaring me.

I woke up five or six times last night absolutely drenched in sweat after having horrible nightmares about being on the exam table and the doctor maneuvering the ultrasound wand around and saying "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat... there's no heartbeat.... there's no heartbeat" and she just kept saying it over and over again until I shot out of bed like a friggin' cannon ball.

I should be happy, overjoyed, grateful, and everything I was last week before this nervousness gradually became all consuming.

I'm not going to continue on with this post because I'm getting on my own damn nerves and I'm not making myself feel any better. I just hope that 6:00 in the evening comes as quicly as possible. I want to be done with the doctor's appointment, I want to know that everything is 100% ok with Goji, and I want to be sitting comfortably in my living room knowing that, at the moment, there is nothing to worry about.

An Entry From Le Journal De Moi :)

When I turned 23, my father gave me what he called my "last journal." I have been getting journals/diaries/poetry books/whatever you want to call them since I was old enough to write. I think I have about 12; all of them half-filled out, all of them with different purposes.

My "last journal" came to me 3 months before my wedding and 3 1/2 months before I moved from Florida to North Carolina. Needless to say, there was plenty to write about. As time went on, I started using this journal as a letter-book to my future baby. When we gave up trying to get pregnant, I stopped writing in it.

I was feeling a bit bummed out tonight (meh, same issues as always, financial crap that I don't need to get into) and I pulled out "last journal." Writing the letter tonight was a very humbling experience; it was 100% different than it ever has been before. Because tonight, for the first time, I was writing to a baby that is actually inside me... the best way I can describe the difference is to compare it to watching a shark cage dive. You can watch a shark through a cage diver's perspective on TV for hours, and it is certainly awesome, there's no denying that. But step in the cage yourself and actually FEEL the water WOOSH by you when a shark is approaching (let's say it's a huge Australian Great White, just for dramatic purposes), to feel your heart race when it bumps against the steel bars that separate you, that is a completely different experience all together.

I have seen a lot of bloggers write their unborn babies letters... I never thought there was anything wrong with that, but I also never thought I'd do it. And, here I am, with an excerpt from my "last journal" that I want to share. I don't know why I want to share it, but I do. I think we can go back to the shark cage dive for this one; I don't know why on Earth I would want to get into a cage and come face to face with hundreds of thousands of years of predatory evolution... but I would do it in a heartbeat :).

Enough babbling... here's my letter!

Hello baby,
It has been a long time since I've written to you. Consistency has never been my forte'. I hope you don't inherit that from me.
I have some good news. I found out on July 23rd that I am pregnant with you. Finally! After almost a two year wait, I have you nestled inside of me, safe and sound.

My first OB appointment is on Monday and I can't wait to meet you!
I was reading some of my previous journal entries and I feel that they're unfair to you. They are very "woe is me." I complain about money, my job, money, arguing with your dad, money.

Don't worry about all that crap, ok?

I finally figured out the secret to solving whatever problems there are... and the secret is that none of those problems matter.
For as long as I'm breathing and walking on this Earth, you will never want for anything.

If there is something that you need, you will get it... even if I have to sell everything I love. I would do these things for you... because I love you MORE than these things. I love you in a way that I will never love anyone... it's different than the way I love your father and your grandparents.
It is so important to me that you are happy and safe that I would sacrifice everything I have to ensure these things happen.

I have never seen an ultrasound image of you (MONDAY!), I have never seen your face, heard your voice, and right now you are the size of a raspberry... and I would already move mountains across continents just to make you happy.

I love you so much... I can't wait to "meet" you on Monday, and I look forward to being the best mom I can possibly be for you.

Love,
Mom