TTC & Infertility Bloggers

I'm not going to lie.

I love "shameless plugging"... I do it a lot on my blog. However, I don't look at it as shameless, or anything to be ashamed of for that matter. If I enjoy a product or I think you will enjoy someone else's blog, I will plug them as much as possible. NOT because I get paid to do it (though, wouldn't that be nice?) but because I think it's rad, and I like other people to enjoy things along with me. Cool things get much cooler when you can share them with others (unless it's a donut... for the love of God, people, don't share your donut).

I guess it's more of "simple pleasure plugging" as opposed to "shameless plugging."

I started a community for bloggers dealing with TTC, trouble TTC and Infertility. I'd like it to encompass the broadest scope possible: ttc, trouble ttc, infertility, those going through IVF, people who are dealing with multiple (or just one) miscarriage(s), etc.

If you'd like to join, please do so by clicking HERE. There is also a badge on the side of my blog underneath the About Me gadget. You can click on it and it'll take you there.

I would love for it to become a community of supportive women bloggers who, while individually dealing with their own personal battles, understand the heartache involved with the battles of others and can offer emotional strength and support.

If you are not dealing with the above mentioned issues but you know someone who is, please feel free to send them to the group. We could all use friends who understand us :).

730 More Days of Infertility, Stretch Marks and Self-Hatred

I typed out the title, read it over and over again, and then I cried.

Every week on The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans, we are given a project to help keep us motivated. I think this might be one of the most emotionally difficult projects I've had to do, but I'm glad I did it.

The question posed is: “What would it be like if I just started this journey two years from now?”

That's a pretty loaded question because there are so many reasons why I decided I needed to lose weight RIGHT NOW.

The two pictures, put side by side in this post are what really woke me up to the fact that I was having some problems with my weight. I *knew* that I was overweight, but I hadn't put two and two together and really *seen* how much heavier I had gotten over the past couple of years until I looked at those pictures. It was an awful, heart wrenching experience for me, but I didn't sit on my ass and feel sorry for myself... I decided something needed to be done.

Another thing that woke me up, was standing next to my family (on my mom's side). I know that sounds odd... I'll explain further. They are GORGEOUS people. I'm serious. Every last one of them is good looking... and I'm not just saying that because they're my family. I *used* to be "one of them" in that sense. Now, when I go to get togethers with my health conscious, doctor family full of super models, I feel fat and ugly and awful about myself. I shouldn't, but I do. It is a TERRIBLE feeling.

So... here is the hard part for me. “What would it be like if I just started this journey two years from now?”

I would be heavier. I would probably be A LOT heavier because for some reason I am totally blind to how much weight I gain unless I am looking at pictures of myself. I did not weigh myself until I decided to lose weight, so I would have never bought a scale. I would probably be well over 220 pounds by the time the 2 years was up, as I was already at close to 180 when I started this journey.

The stretch marks that began showing up on my stomach and hips would have increased. My stomach would look like a zebra. I would be absolutely mortified to take my shirt off in front of my husband.

My breast size would have increased, putting further strain on my back. They've already gotten HUGE in the last couple of years with the weight I put on and it is so incredibly uncomfortable for me, both emotionally AND physically. I can barely do the dishes without getting winded and my back hurting because of them. I feel like people are always staring at them and I despise them. They are gross and they make me look like a melted barbie doll when I'm naked. If I had waited two more years to start losing weight, I would probably vomit every time I looked in a mirror.

My family would talk about how heavy I had gotten and they would be incredibly concerned about me. I would know they were talking, either because I have heard them talk about weight gain among other people before, or because they would be concerned enough to talk to me about it directly, which would humiliate me. They would do it out of the goodness of their own heart because it is unhealthy for me and they love me, but I would feel disgusting and like everyone thought of me as the ugly one. Do you know how awful that is? I would be the ONLY overweight person in my family. I would hate myself and my self esteem would become non existent.

My blood pressure would sky rocket. My knees, which already hurt on occassion, would hurt on a consistent basis and I would feel crappy all the time. I would probably have diabetes, which runs in my family (on my dad's side).

Last but not least is the infertility. This is the hardest for me to talk about. This is something that I am already dealing with. My doctor has told me that my difficulties getting pregnant are probably due to being overweight. Undiagnosed infertility. She says that getting myself to a healthy weight will greatly (and I mean GREATLY) increase my chances of conception. She also says that it is difficult to maintain a healthy pregnancy when you're overweight because you run the risk of preeclampsia, gestational diabetes, and an increased chance of miscarriage.

If I were to wait two more years to lose weight, if I let myself gain MORE weight over those two years, I would be giving myself two more years of this fucking HELL.

730 more days of tears.

730 more days of hating my body because it can't perform a task that is effortless and often accidental in other women.

730 more days of wondering if my husband secretly resents me for not being able to give him a baby.

730 more days of wondering when it will be MY turn, if I will ever get to hold a baby in my arms, if I will ever know the joy of being a mother, the experience of pregnancy... these things which come so naturally to other women and are a complete mystery to me.

And if what my doctor says is true, and my infertility is solely due to my weight problem, and I waited another 2 years to start this journey...

I would have no one to blame but myself.

This is what would happen if I were to wait 2 more years. I've already waited a year and a half for a baby... there are others who have waited much longer than that, there are some who will wait forever.

I can only hope that by losing the weight NOW, I will get to experience loving myself, inner and outter beauty and motherhood *that much sooner.*

A Vision

There is a mall here in NC called the Concord Mills Mall. Anyone who truly knows me is already rolling their eyes as they know that I claim the mall as my mother ship, my true home, my raison d'etre.
Ok, now I'm rolling my own eyes.
It's true though. I have a problem. The first step in solving a problem is admitting that there actually is one and I have no problem admitting that I have a problem.

Does that makes sense?

All those problems aside, I've been doing very well with my shopping addiction. No huge frivolous expenses, no purchases for incredibly expensive musical equipment that I'll never use. I'm doing a good job. Deep breaths.

The Concord Mills Mall is a comfort to me for more reasons than just the conveniently scattered Starbucks. Ironically, it was built by the same man who did the Sawgrass Mills Mall, which was located about 5 minutes away from my condo when I lived in South Florida.

The two malls are so similar that, if I blind myself to the fact that most people are wearing two layers of clothes, scarves, snow boots, etc., I can almost pretend that I'm back in my sunny hometown and stopping by the mall for some cute beach accessory before heading down to Ft. Lauderdale strip.

I jump at any opportunity to make the 25 minute drive to Concord Mills Mall, so when my husband asked if I wanted to go so he could buy me my Valentine's Day gift I was in the car with the keys in the ignition before he even knew I had said "yes."

I had asked him for a sports bra that actually fit me. A QUALITY boob supporter, not just any crummy over the shoulder booby grasper, but one that would squoosh those suckers down. I've been using a sports bra of mine from like... 4 YEARS ago and, well, my boobs were basically smacking me across the face every time I worked out. Not comfortable and CERTAINLY not pretty.

It just so happens that the entrance closest to the Nike store is a *HUGE* shop called The Children's Place. My husband was giving me the side eye as we walked towards the entrance and I knew why. Every time we pass the baby section in any store I sort of lose my cool. I try not to, but I can't help it. I usually keep myself under control... on most occasions you can just sort of see that proverbial shadow pass over my face.

On the way in I was alright, I just sort of ooooh'd and aaaaaah'd at the vast majority of inexpensive cuteness hanging from the walls and scattered among the displays. Even my husband was impressed and he kept saying "Oh yeah, when we have a baby we are totally shopping here!"

It was as we were leaving that I had the vision... it didn't hit me until we reached the parking lot and we were walking away.

On our way out of The Children's Place I had seen this shirt:


It was paired with adorable pink leggings.

I was busy chatting excitedly with my husband about how beautiful our daughter would be in that outfit and as soon as the words came out of my mouth...

I saw her.

And when I say I saw her, I am telling you that I LITERALLY saw her. I don't remember much from the moment, but my husband tells me that I actually stopped in the middle of the parking lot and just stared straight ahead of me for a short few seconds and that I had a faint smile on my lips.

She was skipping along ahead of us in the adorable shirt pictured above with her cute little leggings and a pair of pink shoes to match. She had the same long, wavy dark hair and olive skin as me... but when she turned around to smile at me she had the most beautiful bright blue eyes, just like her father. This probably doesn't make much sense, but it was the most real thing that I have ever NOT really seen. I'll never forget exactly what she looked like and how it made me feel when she turned, giggling, and smiled at me. I felt my heart leap out of my chest and burst into a billion pieces of light.

I'm not sure exactly why I had that "vision" or what it was supposed to mean or whether or not it was just my imagination, but it gave me hope that one day I'll be able to physically hold that beautiful little girl, and my husband and I can call her ours.

Oh Ignorant Bliss, How I Love Thee...

Another
Stupid
Anovulatory
Period.

Hey look, it's an acrostic poem that spells out ASAP. How fun.

I'm about to jump on the bitter boat people, care to join me? Free drinks for all!!



But, seriously, F my life.

I'm so tired of caring about babies and uteruses (uterii?!) and ovaries and sperm-egg-fertilization.

What a load of happy horse shit.

I pretty much hid my Basal Thermometer from myself so I could no longer chart my temperature and I refuse to keep track of anything fertility related for the next few months.

It's too much disappointment.

My life is filled with all these wonderful things and awesome opportunities and I have been so uppity and positive the last month or two... and I *love* feeling that way! But...

Every time I walk by a lady with a baby in a carriage at Target, every time I see some woman at the store with a bulging baby belly, resting her hand at the top of her belly and looking in the baby aisle with those hugely excited eyes and that pretty glow, it just makes me sick. It makes me want to run and hide because I have no idea how that feels and I have no idea if I will ever feel that way.

So... I'm done with it.

I'm sure I'll change my mind in a month or two, I usually do. I get frustrated, just like everyone else. But I always get back on my feet.

Right now, it's just too much for me to handle.

I can't be happy with my life and satisfied with myself if I'm always feeling like there is something wrong with me internally. Something that shouldn't be wrong with *any* woman.

And that's what sucks so bad about this situation. Being able to get pregnant is such a HUGE part of what separates you as a woman. And without that ability, what am I?

THAT'S what I've been working towards for the last couple of months... THAT'S why I've been so positive. I can't view myself as a walking uterus/cervix/baby maker any more. I'm more than that, I hope.

I want to go back to being blissfully unaware that I have problems ovulating.

I want to be a whiny little brat and feel sorry for myself... and that's just what I'm going to do.

For now.

Mind over Body... I'm Working On It.

As a little girl, I always LOVED reading my friends' journals and diaries. I never read them without permission, of course, but when they would say "Hey, I just wrote something in my diary and you should totally know about it!" I felt like I was gaining access to a special place that most people didn't have the opportunity to see. Reading people's journals is the equivalent of reading their minds *after* they have the initial thoughts. It's really quite fantastic.

I feel the same way about blogging. When I get to read people's blogs, I get insight into their minds, the way they think, the psychology behind their personalities.

One of the many things I love about having my own blog is I feel as though I can sit here and talk about absolutely anything under the sun, in any way I feel, and there is no pressure to conjure fake emotions for readers. I'm not getting paid for it (wouldn't that be great?!) and there's no deadline. It's like a free for all for my thoughts.

That being said, my blog has had some pretty obvious shifts lately. I feel a little as though I owe *some* explanation.

This started as a TTC blog where I could document what I thought would be a month or two of trying, 9 months of the PERFECT pregnancy with no problems or morning sickness what-so-ever (har har), the totally painless birth of our PERFECT child that would only put me in labor for the bare minimum time, and then the PERFECT life that would ensue afterwards. You know exactly what I'm talking about: the husband and I could still go out whenever we wanted to, still have awesome loud sex without worrying about traumatizing a child, go on vacations at the drop of a dime, still get to bed at a decent hour, still have our social life... still remain sane in the face of a screaming infant with a diaper full of something that smells like sewage and concentrated evil.

Things didn't work out that way.

A little over 15 months later, I am sitting here telling you that I have not yet had that perfect pregnancy. I haven't had any pregnancy at all.

I blogged about it for a long time... for my standards anyways. I'm somewhat scattered and to have an actual topic for more than a few months is pretty impressive.

I got to the point where I was so freaking stressed out about charting for ovulation, I would FREAK OUT if I had any spotting if I hadn't already ovulated, I was getting upset with my husband for trying to console me, I was sighing every ten minutes and feeling like crap about myself constantly. If I were to be completely honest, I would say that I was being a negative, miserable bitch.

I am a control freak, and getting pregnant is one of the many things in life that, no matter how many times I shake my fist towards the sky, I just can't control.

Mind over body has always been a thought-process that I believed in 100%. I still believe in it, but I know that I can't control certain things that go on inside my body. If I'm going to get sick, I'm going to get sick. If I'm going to get my period, I can't stop it from coming. You get my point. I believe that we have control over our minds and that AFFECTS our bodies. I don't believe that, through our minds, we can make ourselves fly and defy laws of science and other things in that genre.

To make this novel of an explanation into a short story, suffice it to say that I got very sick of myself. I actually disliked ME. That's a shitty feeling, by the way. Do you like yourself? If you don't, get some help. Not liking yourself is awful... because you can't just stop hanging out with you. And, if you can stop hanging out with yourself, then get some help... because you've probably got Dissociative Identity Disorder :P.

One morning, after sighing for the eighth time in an hour and feeling absolutely miserable because I felt fat and disgusting and looked like shit, I realized that I was slowly killing myself and that I was almost dead. Not physically... but the me that everyone knew and loved from years ago was laying on her death bed, ready to bite the bullet.

I wanted to get her back.

I started by Googling "Positive Thinking" and went on to read a few books. I learned about positive affirmations, I started a scrapbook of places that I wanted to see with my husband, I came up with a surified way to pay off our debt and stuck with it. I started changing myself. I'm STILL working on it, but I feel so much better.

Instead of focusing on the things that I CAN'T change, I began to do the opposite. I have been focusing on everything that I CAN change. My weight, my debt, my thoughts and the way I treat people... those are the things that I have power over in my life. And those are the things that I've been focusing on.

Do I still want a baby?

Hell yes.

Am I going to stress about it any more?

Hell no.

I'm sure that I will have TTC posts in the future, and I hope they are positive ones that make people smile for me and not cry for me.

In the meantime, the longer it takes me to get pregnant the more time I have to pay off debt, get in shape, get healthier, and have a healthier mindset.

One of the most exciting things that I am focusing on is my dancing career. I was well on my way to being a full time belly dancer (teaching and performing) when I moved up to North Carolina and got stretch marks... I would love to be dancing full time at this point next year.

I hope that gives some insight as to why I've been blogging solely about my weight loss journey for the last few weeks. I'm working on some new ideas for this blog that will make it a bit more interesting... but I just can't focus on what I can't control and what makes me feel miserable any more. At least not for a while, not until I get my emotions on a better frequency.

It's just another manic Monday

Am I allowed to quote a song that's over 20 years old? Jesus... OVER 20 YEARS OLD? I was 3 when that song came out.

I absolutely idolized the Bangles and if you had told me that, 23 years later, I'd be sitting here using their lyrics to describe my day I'd have completely believed you.

I have been neglecting my blog for the last week or two. I managed to shove a Sexy Cupcake Saturday in, because I didn't want to disappoint all 7,000 of my readers.


Quite a few things have happened in the last 10 days, and almost none of them were good. Let's get the good stuff out of the way, shall we?

List Of Good Things That Happened To Me:
1. I got some nice stuff from my husband for Christmas. A couple pairs of comfy pajama pants (who doesn't love comfy pajama pants?!) and he used his bonus from work to buy us a new mattress (thank God, we needed it!).

2. My best friend got a webcam and we've been Skyping like crazy. I have seriously never had so much fun sitting in front of the computer and talking about random shit than I have in the last week with her.

3. I didn't die or get fatally wounded.

That's pretty much it.

List Of Bad Things That Happened To Me:
1. I got a positive pregnancy test... except that I don't think it was positive. I'm pretty sure it was a stupid evaporation line from a blue line test (Dollar General, to be specific) that I was dumb enough to buy. Oh my God, I was so incredibly excited. First, I laughed so hard I almost fainted. Then, I cried like a child and ran around my house screaming "I'M PREGNANT, I'M PREGNANT!!!!!" No one was home, by the way. After that, I sat on the floor of the bathroom and had a major freak out attack because I wondered how the hell I would make a good mother when I can't even do simple geometry and algebra. Yes, that was the first thing that popped into my head... I'm terrible at math and I instantly thought about the repercussions of my failed logic on my baby.

2. I bought a digital pregnancy test (mistake #2) and took it home, tested with that and got a negative. I sat in confusion for a little while and shrugged it off, thinking that I'd just test the next morning. Next morning I got another negative on the digital.

3. I bought pink line tests and strained my eyes until they were sore, trying with every ounce of my being to see that damned second line that never showed up.

4. I used up almost every dollar store blue line test I had, trying to see if I could find that faint blue line again... which I did... which didn't count because I'M NOT PREGNANT, I'M JUST FUCKING DELUSIONAL.

5. Fertility Friend took away my crosshairs AGAIN, so now not only does it look like I misread the tests, it also looks like I never even ovulated to begin with.

6. I've had so much advice from so many different people that I think I'm about to go on overload. Some people say a line is a line, congratulations. Some people say to wait and test again in a week. Some people say that Fertility Friend looks right and my temps are so all over the place that it doesn't even look like I ovulated.

I don't even know what to think anymore.

I'll tell you what has crossed my mind more than once this week. I'm sick of fucking charting. I'm sick of the constant disappointment I get when my temps drop and then the false hope when they rise, only to drop even more, and then rise again. It's like a non stop roller coaster of temperatures that end up meaning absolutely nothing in the end.

I'm sick of worrying that there is something wrong with me... something that they haven't been able to pinpoint from the testing that I've had so far. I'm sick of the fact that, even if I DID get tested for the fertility issues that some women face, I wouldn't be able to do anything about whatever it was that was wrong with me because I couldn't afford fertility treatment.

I can't afford adoption either.

I'm sick of feeling like, even though my husband says he'd be totally happy with just the two of us forever, it's MY fault that we haven't had a baby yet and that he somehow resents me for that. I know that's not true, but I see in his eyes the sadness whenever we go out and there's a dad holding his child or a cute baby goes by in a baby carriage.

He thinks I don't see the look on his face but I do.

And it hurts so bad because I know it's the exact same look that I have every single time I see someone fortunate enough to be pregnant or to have already had a baby.

I'm sick of it all, and I'm very seriously considering just giving it up for a while.

Cue the Scary Music

(No seriously, press the play button, it really gives this post that je ne sais quois)



Because HERE SHE COMES!!!!!

It's.....












Aw, that was a little anti-climactic.

I'm sorry.

But seriously, I have some pretty nasty cramps today. Those paired with the bloating and overall disgusting feeling that comes with the dreaded period is just another reason to not get all faklempt with hope this cycle.

My temperatures are still spiked, and I'm currently at 15 days past ovulation. I guess technically I should be super-mega-duper excited but I'm not. Surprisingly, I was extremely excited two days ago, but not so much anymore. Weird how that works. Actually, no, that's not weird. That's me being stupid and forgetting that I tested that day and got a negative... THAT'S why I'm not as excited.

Testing that day was sort of dumb of me anyways because I'm not considered "late" until the 15th of this month... but come on, seriously. Even though the box for the test said it wouldn't be accurate because, at that point, I was still a week prior to being "late." Lots of people test at thirteen days past ovulation. All of my friends told me they would have tested if they were in my shoes!

:::::giggle:::::

Shut up, you'd have done it too.

Oh my goodness... what the hell?

Ok, so the crosshairs are back... and now my temp has spiked and I'm 13 days past ovulation.

Ummmm....

Ummmm....

I don't know. I refuse to get my hopes up. I haven't even told my husband because the poor guy sat through all my weeping yesterday morning when I lost my crosshairs.

Other than some slight cramping I have had NO symptoms. It's not like period cramps... it sort of feels like there's a balloon expanding in my abdomen. That's it though. Again, I'm not fishing for symptoms and I definitely don't want to get my hopes up. Just reporting what I remember.

So, I guess we'll see where it goes from here.

Here it is if you'd like to have a look: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/29a70b

I.Hate.My.Body.

Fertility Friend took away my crosshairs.

See?: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/29a70b

I really felt as though there was a good, clear thermal shift around the 12th when they told me I had ovulated, but apparently not.

I mean, I know our timing was horrible because we were travelling and everything so I knew I wouldn't have a chance in Hell (or Heaven) at being pregnant, but I was ecstatic that I actually ovulated.

Now my chart looks just as disgusting as it did last month.

And now I'm starting to see a pattern. It's not a logical pattern because this is only my second month charting, but it's enough of one in my mind to warrant a few tears. The same thing that happened last month is happening now, except this time, I was given a bit of hope and it was taken away from me.

This isn't logical, and I totally realize that, but I know I will get my period. Again, it's the same thing that happened last month. I was begging, pleading with my body and with God to NOT give me my period on time because I had obviously not ovulated, and who wants an annovulatory period? Not me. It's like getting an ice cream cone without the ice cream. What's the point of the fucking cone if you don't have any ice cream?!!

So, this will be my second annovulatory period in a row.

I'm not special, I know that. I'm no different than anyone else, I understand that. I don't deserve a baby more than the next poor woman who is having problems getting pregnant.

When we decided we wanted a baby, almost 14 months ago, I knew I might have some problems.

But never in a million fucking years did I think that I'd be where I am right now. Crying in front of a computer screen because some STUPID website that isn't inside of my body was telling me there was something abnormal about the way my body works. And that slight abnormality was preventing me from getting pregnant.

Hey, body...

Lines, beautiful lines.

I ovulated.

I'm so happy I could shit a brick.

Our timing sucks and I know there is a slim chance in hell that I'm actually pregnant because there was no sex in my fertile window, thanks to Thanksgiving travel, but who gives a flying matzo ball? I freaking ovulated and I'm ecstatic. I spoke with my doctor and she said that she believed I would start ovulating normally once I dropped some weight, and since I've dropped 15 pounds in the last few months, I think I'm on the right track. Let's hope this continues.

My chart doesn't look *that* impressive because, once again, I was traveling over Thanksgiving so I didn't get to chart my temperatures that often, but I still got some dotted cross hairs.

When I saw those cross hairs magically appear this morning I literally choked on my coffee.

Want to see? Check it out!: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/29a70b

Isn't it beautiful? :::::sighs:::::

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go vomit rainbows and shit butterflies... and perhaps I'll even burp up something akin to this:

If We Did Not Laugh, We Would Cry.

You will have to excuse me, dear readers, as I lapse into what I'm sure will be a brief - but powerful - moment of sadness.

It may not seem like it most times, but this blog made its debut as a baby blog. I created it with the intention of documenting my journey through the TTC process, pregnancy and, God willing, motherhood.

Here I sit, thirteen months later, with a blog that contains more humor and cupcakes than updates on doctor visits and basal body temps.
It is no longer just a baby blog, and that is fine with me. I love to make people laugh. Making others laugh in the face of sadness is in my blood, and hunting down even the most miniscule smile or chuckle in a flood of tears is something that I hope I have a gift for.

The fact is, I have remained very strong and very positive throughout this entire process. I have barely allowed myself to feel pity these last 13 months, mostly because I cling to hope. I am always hoping. Hope is something, like humor, that has been passed down generation to generation in my family and it is so very important to me.

But... for the first time - maybe the second - I allowed myself to break down, and I chose to do it (of all places) in a Starbucks.

My husband, mother, step father, nephew and I were at Starbucks grabbing our coffees and teas before going back to my mom's for some birthday cake. My nephew is brilliant. He's 8 years old and one of the smartest kids I know. He's extremely intuitive and very sensitive. He's also very kind, which is rare in an 8 year old boy.

I was standing in line, silently lamenting my body for giving me the period I definitely didn't want to see that morning. As I mindlessly fidgeted with my belly button ring over my shirt the way I always do, my nephew came up to me and touched my belly and said "You're going to have a baby," and then he hugged me. My mom told him to rub my belly for good luck and he did.

That simple gesture unleashed thirteen months of pent up feelings and I had to excuse myself. I ran to the bathroom and bawled my eyes out for a good two minutes before washing my face and going back out to join our party.

If I were to be completely honest, I would say that it felt really good - in a very bad way - to cry like that. It's not something I've allowed myself to do.

I don't enjoy bringing religion into my blog, especially because I am a part of two different religions and I don't like to feel as though I'm negating either one of them. But, more often than not, one religion overpowers the other and I am compelled to say something. Every once in a while, I feel as though it's necessary to get my point across. This is one of those times. I'm sure that I'll return to my usual ways, finding humor in dark times is part of being Jewish. We all do it. Whether we are religious or not, whether we're converted or not, whether we are Orthodox Jews or Reformed Jews, whether we believe in God or we don't. We all find humor in the dark times. It's one of the things that ties us together as a people.

It's one of the most famous Jewish Proverbs of the last 2,000 years:

"If we did not laugh, we would cry."

Yesterday, I finally allowed myself to cry.

Tomorrow, I think I'll go back to laughing.

A Love / Hate Relationship With My Chart

Back in August I stated in a post that I was considering the idea of fertility charting, but that I really didn't want to because I was stubborn, because charting would mean that I was admitting I needed help... that I didn't know my own body.

On the first day of my last period I finally decided to do it.

I've mentioned this in many previous blog posts, but throughout our TTC "adventure" I have remained extremely positive. I don't even have to try *not* to be bitter as I don't associate my fertility with anyone else's. I know everyone is different, but I honestly don't see a point in getting upset because someone else was able to get pregnant. Why? Well, because (again) everyone is different. What does that person's fertility have to do with me and my body? Absolutely nothing.

I have to admit that ever since I got past CD14 there have been gray clouds slowly gathering on the horizon of my normally sunny disposition.

For most of my life, I have had extremely irregular periods. I would go 2, 3, sometimes up to 6 months with nothing. It was really hindering the TTC process.

Much to my surprise, I have been very steady since June and getting a period every 30 to 35 days. I was absolutely shocked the first few times.

I am now on CD24 of my first chart and there's no ovulation in sight and I'm starting to worry that the last 6 months of periods have been anovulatory. That's a very hefty thing for me to just guess at, but it's something that's definitely freaking me out.

I suppose, like many things in life, I will just have to be patient and wait to see what happens with my chart. I've only been charting for 25 days and it's already a love/hate relationship. I love the idea of knowing more about my body, but I *hate* sitting there and staring at it even though I know the cross hairs that signify ovulation aren't going to magically appear out of nowhere.
Heh, it's sort of like staring at a home pregnancy test.

Poll Comments

If you'd like to elaborate on my baby supply poll, please feel free to comment here. :)

Thanks for your input!

10 Months? REALLY?

I just noticed that I've entered the 10th month of trying to conceive... thank you ticker at the bottom of my blog. I feel like time is rushing away from me, I can't believe it's been 10 months.
I've got my hopes up, and I think that's a good thing. Why not have hope? Life without hope is dank and depressing.
Of course, feel free to check back with me when I hit the one year marker, I might not be so optimistic at that point.

Here's Your Period... Now Enjoy this Chocolate Martini.

I actually got my period... and it's actually on time (sort of). In reality, I got it yesterday or the night before, but I always experience at least 2 to 3 days of light spotting before all hell breaks loose. Considering the fact that I am used to 3, 4, sometimes even 6 months of no period at all, I am schocked, happy, and amazed. My last period ended at the end of June, so early August is not only waaaaay sooner than I was expecting, it's close to being within the "norm" for a healthy ovulatory cycle.

I've begun to seriously contemplate the idea of charting. I honestly don't want to, and I know that sounds stupid, but I have my reasons. Almost everyone in my family is in the medical field. My mom is a nurse, brother is a paramedic, I have an uncle and aunt who are doctors, my cousin works for a pharmaceutical distribution company, one uncle is a retired blood lab owner... well, you get my point. We are a pretty open family and a few of them know that Russell and I have been trying to have a baby. My mom, cousin and aunt keep telling me that I should stop worrying so much because "it's all a crap shoot." I know that's not true, as I'm sure they all know as well... I think it might have been more of an attempt to get me to relax on their part, but I never ever thought that I'd be looking at conceiving from a scientific point of view, and I really never wanted it to be that way. I always thought that it would *just happen* ... like *POOF* I'm pregnant! Even as recently as 9 months ago, when we first started trying, I was blogging about what crib we would get and how we'd decorate the nursery. It makes me feel really uneducated about my body and how things work, but I'm pretty sure that there are other people out there who were just as hopeful when they first started trying. I'm pretty big on hope, so sometimes I mistake my own positive outlook for stupidity or naivety. I should probably stop that. I think having hope is extremely important.
Uh oh, there I go on another tangent :P... back to charting! Thanks to a friend of mine, I learned that Fertility Friend is actually free. I was under the impression that it cost money to use their charting software, but I was wrong, hooray! It's one of the rare occassions that I'm happy to be wrong.
Like I said before, for some odd reason I have been hesitant and sort of scared to start charting, probably because it's the last bit of my stubborn mind telling me that my body needs no help in getting pregnant, but I think it might help me to have a more in-depth understanding of my body and how it works.
In the meantime, I think I'll take the advice of a very wise Nestie and enjoy some chocolate!! Mmmmmmm!

Baby Update: Negative

I took a home pregnancy test this morning and I got a big fat negative. I want to be disappointed, I really do, but something is preventing me from getting overly upset about it.
For the first time since we started trying to have a baby (back in October), I am at peace with the fact that I have yet to get pregnant.
There are people who've been trying to have a baby for a lot longer than I have... and there are women who have been told by doctors that they simply can't bare children. I am so lucky to *not* be at that point yet. According to my doctor, I'm still in the "normal" time period, and even more so because I have very unsteady periods, so it's not like I missed an opportunity every month.
How can I get pregnant if I don't ovulate?
That is how I'm viewing this situation. My body has made it obvious that, for whatever reason, I don't ovulate normally... I can't expect a baby if I don't have an egg to fertilize. Looking at it from a scientific perspective has really improved my outlook.
It could also be that the last month and a half has been pretty tumultuous and that my mind is not prepared to deal with any more disappointment than is absolutely necessary.
At this point, I feel like throwing my hands up and saying "Ok, so I'm not pregnant... NEXT."
I don't want to blame whatever issues I have with my body on God. It always seems to me that people blame God for everything, but give Him/Her credit for nothing. I hear a lot of "I found this $100 bill on the floor, how lucky am I?!"
"Wow, I got a promotion, I worked really hard and earned this!"
"I kept my job in this recession, I must be valuable to this company!"
And then I hear a lot of
"My cat died... God had other plans for her."
"I just found out that my brother has cancer... how could God do this to us?"
"I don't understand why my life is this terrible, but I'm sure that God wouldn't give me more than I can handle."
I understand if you believe that God has a hand in EVERYTHING, good and bad... so that you give thanks to Him/Her in all situations. But I just don't think it would be fair for me to blame God for whatever difficulties I am experiencing because I don't have a close relationship with God. I was never brought up to be religious... and it helps me feel better when I look at things from the view that it's *noone's* fault that I'm having issues. It just happened because sometimes, shit just happens.

Though I have certainly noticed the ease with which people who don't want to get pregnant become pregnanty quickly, I can't associate myself with them or overanalyze it, because I'll become bitter. Someone on the Babies On The Brain message board mentioned that it seems the only people getting pregnant without some form of difficulty are teenagers, crackheads, people with meth labs, and people who in a general sense should not be having children. When I look at it from that point of view, it's harder for me to avoid the "bitter uterus" syndrome where I start hating everyone who is getting pregnant. But I don't want to do that. I don't want to feel anything but positive energy and bubbly enthusiasm for any of my friends who have the awesome opportunity to carry a child. I don't want to get to a point where I am placing my friends in the same group as crackheads and meth lab owners. When I think of how ridiculously happy it would make me to get pregnant, it just reinforces this knowledge. If something so wonderful happened to me, how would I feel if someone else harbored ill will towards me about it... especially if it were a friend? It would be devastating. Besides, if I think of this from a logical perspective, it makes no sense to associate my physical problems with someone else's good news. The announcement, "I'm pregnant," from someone I don't even know shouldn't immediately make me think "Why can't I get pregnant?! What's wrong with ME? This person has made me angry because they are experiencing something that I want... I'm jealous to the point of tears." That makes no sense to me, and so I refuse to feed into that mindset.
I have hope, and that's all I can really ask for.
There is always hope.

Oh yeah, and by the way...

Since my body treated me to a period...

I TREATED MY BODY TO SOME FREAKIN' CHOCOLATE!!!!! Yeah, baby!! :P

My hormonies are focaccia'd... in a good way! :)

That's right, I said "hormonies," a'la My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and I use bread to describe things that are off kilter. What can I say? I'm special.

This weekend (the entire last week would probably be a more accurate time frame) has been an emotional roller coaster for Russell, my immediate family, and I.

Since I have both bad and good news, I will start with the bad news first.

I guess a brief history of all concerned is a good idea.

My step sister, Melissa, got pregnant about 8 years ago when she was 18. Her boyfriend, Shawn, was actually very nice, and they'd been together for a while, so it wasn't a bad thing... unexpected, but certainly not bad. Melissa and Shawn named their son Javon.
When Javon was only a year old, Shawn died of an accidental overdose. It was terrible, tragic, and we all mourned for him.
Fast forward to about 5 years ago, my step sister moves in with Drew, her boyfriend, and she gets pregnant again. None of us (that includes me, Russell, Joe my step dad, my mother, Javon, and pretty much everyone else) like Drew at all. In fact, I think it'd be safe to say that we genuinely HATE him. Drew is abusive, he drinks way too much, he treats Melissa like shit, and he doesn't care about Javon at all.
Melissa stayed with Drew until about a year ago, when he ended up breaking her clavicle bone and sending her to the hospital. He moved out and went back down to South Florida and Melissa stayed up here.
Well, my mom and Joe got a call from Brian (Melissa's step dad) on Wednesday asking if they were going to do anything with Melissa before she left for Florida on Sunday. Needless to say, my mom and Joe were totally shocked. Apparently, Melissa was going to move back down to Florida to be with Drew on Father's Day... and she wasn't even going to tell any of us about it. Of course, we are all livid, but more for Javon than for her. We've already accepted that she is going to make this incredibly stupid move and that she's not going to listen to any of us. Mom and Joe even offered to let her live downstairs in their spare living quarters RENT FREE until she got her stuff together, in case this idiotic move was because she was financially strained. But, she said no. Basically, she feels that Drew has changed (she's been talking to him for the last 6 months, which none of us were aware of) and now she wants to go be with him again. Her exact words, I believe, were: "He's been going to church... he's changed."
I'm not against religion in any way shape or form, but I think that is totally bullshit. A lot of times, people who claim to have changed from raging alcoholics and abusive spouses by the powers of religion are ok for a while. But all it takes is one little thing, one tiny seemingly insignificant problem, and they crack... and then it's even WORSE than before. It's like all the rage they've been supressing under the surface for the last few years comes erupting out of them like Mt. Vesuvius and then they're even more dangerous than they were before. I'm really scared he's going to kill her eventually.
The thing that bothers me the most about this though, is that Javon hates Drew. And Drew is a complete moron. I love Javon very much... Russell and I are very close to him and could only love him more if he were our own child (and even then, it's up for debate). This kid is BRILLIANT. A good example of his intelligence would be when we took him to the Museum of Natural Sciences and we were looking at butterflies that were in a clear case, getting ready to come out of their chrysalis. I said "Javon, check out those butterflies coming out of the cocoons! How cool is that?" And he said "You're thinking of moths... butterflies come out of the chrysalis!" My mouth dropped. He's only 7... the kid is freaking brilliant.
We're scared that Javon isn't going to have anyone around to stimulate his brain. He usually hangs out with my mother and she takes him to the library to get him books and we take him to museums and other places that we think will enhance his learning, but down in Florida he won't have any of us. And Drew is a terrible influence.
On the positive side, my mom and Joe convinced Melissa to allow Javon to stay with them for the next 3 weeks. So, we get to spend some time with him, and we're going to soak up every possible minute. We took him to the museum in Raleigh on Father's Day. We took a few pictures and I've been trying to get them up on my blog, but I've lost the stupid USB cable for the digital camera :(. As soon as I find it, I can post those pictures, plus a bunch of pictures of my animals because they're cute... and seriously, who doesn't enjoy pictures of cute animals?

On to the good news...
I finally got my period after SIX MONTHS of wondering when it was going to show its ugly face again. I've never been so happy to see something gross! I'm hoping that I never have to go through another 6 months hiatus again. I've had 2, 3, and sometimes 4 month spans, but I honestly don't think I've ever skipped 6 months before. So, this is a major plus. If I can get on some sort of schedule (ha! good luck with that one, right?), than it will be a lot easier for me to track things for the behbeh makin'!

BFN# 5 and more...

BFN.

I'm getting used to those :::::chuckles:::::

Enough negativity though. I noticed that there's enough negative in this blog to kill a freaking pink unicorn, so I'm going to try and be a little more positive.

I've started a 101 in 1001 list and I'm having a lot of fun putting it together! There are so many things that I'm looking forward to doing. Getting to the beach, saving some money, paying down some credit cards, writing a few chapters in what will hopefully be the best book EVER, the book that makes me millions... you know, so Russell and I can move to a remote island, invite all our family and friends, and pretty much rule in our awesomeness until the day we party too hard and die :P. In all seriousness though, I'd love to write a book. I've started many of them, never finished any of them. Oh well, c'est la vie. I'm pretty amazing and starting things and not going through with them.

In other news, our dogs are being so good! I'm seriously amazed. I bought a book on behavior "therapy" and training specifically designed for chihuahuas and it is working really well. The thing that I love the most is that almost everything they're learning is taught through positive reinforcement, which I feel dogs (no matter what breed) always respond to better than negative reinforcement. It is so cute watching them get excited when they know it's bathroom time and time to go outside. They also LOVE getting treats and positive attention when they sit, come, stay, etc. I'm so glad that they've been having less accidents in the house too. That wasn't really a HUGE issue, but it was an occasional problem that is gradually getting better.

I can't wait until they are able to go to the dog park. We've been slowly socializing them with my mom's Boxer, who is just one of the sweetest dogs in the world. He's HUGE, about 97 pounds, and our dogs are only about 12 pounds put together, but King (my mom's Boxer) is really gentle. He never plays too hard and he just sort of romps around the yard with them. It's adorable! They're starting to understand that they don't own the universe (ok, maybe they own MINE lol) and that's a definite plus. We're going to try taking them to PetSmart to see how they handle being around dogs other than King. I'm actually quite excited about this. I love buying them toys and treats. Seriously, we have a HUGE bin of toys that they barely ever use. Yeah, I'm *that* kind of human.

I'm going to try and take some more pictures to post here. If there's one thing I'm really bad at, it's taking pictures. I have barely any pictures of our animals. I'll have to work on that. Maybe one of the 101 things I'll do is to make a pet photo album hehe :).

BFN# 4 / And more...

Wow... it has been over a month since I updated my blog, I guess that maybe it's time to post an entry.

It has been a very trying two months... things could obviously be a lot worse, as far as I know we are both healthy and surviving as best we can. About a month ago I received a $500 to $800 a month paycut (my boss cut my commission from the gross sales of the company), so our financial situation has gone from pretty crappy to downright scary.

I went for my pre-conception check up on April 2nd and they tested me for all sorts of things. I found out that I don't have chlamydia or ghonnorea (not surprised there! lol), my pap results came back negative for everything. So I don't have to worry about cervical cancer for another 330-some odd days, thank God. I still have to go back for my blood work and an ultrasound. They want to check my ovaries (obviously) since I seem to not be ovulating. This is the longest time I have ever gone without a period in my life and I'm wondering if it's because I'm *waiting* for it.

I've never had a steady period (save for the 3 years I was on birth control pills), and it is not uncommon for me to go 3 months without my period... but it is May 2nd and the first day of my last period was December 15th... so it has been well over 3 months. I don't have any sort of pain and/or discomfort, so that's a plus. It might be the severe stress that I'm feeling about my work situation... or the fact that I've started working out a lot more. But I've been doing the work-outs for the better part of 3 months now, so my body should be somewhat used to that.

My doctor also told me that I need to chill... *seriously* chill. She says that I'm stressing out way too much about this, and that if I keep stressing, it's just going to make it more difficult for me to get pregnant.

I get what she's trying to say, I really do... but I'm more of the mindset that I'm not going to get pregnant without some form of ovulation (duh) and that the real problem is physiological and not psychological.