Sometimes it's not that easy to change your ways...

It's hard to change your views after being the same way and having the same thoughts for five+ years.

I think I've been doing pretty well.

I've found meaning and happiness in the aspects of my life that I used to completely ignore. I've become more secure, I feel more beautiful, I'm happier, my relationship is great, I'm in love, I'm having fun, the list of wonderful things is a mile long.

I'm very fortunate.

My quest for weight loss that started about two weeks ago was brought on by a visit to The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans.

They're doing a 7 week program and it's been great so far. I've lost 3.4 pounds in the last week and a half. That's great, right? Of course it is.

Every Monday they have homework a project that you're supposed to complete, and then you share your results/findings with the community.

This week's assignment was creating an "inspiration board." It's pretty simple, really. You just find pictures, magazine cut-outs, inspirational quotes, or whatever makes you feel inspired to keep working and and keep moving towards your goal.

I knew, the instant that I read this assignment, EXACTLY what pictures I wanted to put up on my board. I have two, taken by my ex boyfriend while I was on the beach in my old hometown (Ft. Lauderdale), when I was 19.

I've seen those pictures so many times over the last few years and they've only bothered me a little.

I never expected the reaction that I actually had when I stuck them up on the board.

I've already posted a current picture of myself (you can see me on the Sexy Cupcake Saturday post, or in the Holy Shit, I'm Fat post from a few weeks ago)... here are the pictures on my board (again, I am waiting on my new digital camera and for the moment have AWFUL camera quality):


I put those pictures on that board and I stared for a good 2 minutes at my tanned four pack and perky C cup boobs. Then I walked into the bathroom, lifted up my shirt and looked at the stretch marks on my pale, pasty stomach and my DD cup boobs (which, contrary to popular belief, is NOT a good thing) and I started BAWLING.

Actually, it's been about 10 minutes and I *just* STOPPED crying.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Pictures show you what mirrors can not. And pictures don't lie.

I used to look like that. I understand that I'm 26... and that I was 19 in those photos, but I DID at one point in my life look LIKE THAT.

What the fuck happened to my body?!

Is this what the inspiration board is supposed to do? Am I supposed to feel like I want to vomit when I see myself then compared to how I am now?

Maybe.

I suppose that's where the inspiration stems from (?). The fact that you are unhappy with your physical appearance?

I'm not sure... but I'll tell you one thing, I think I'm going to go running tomorrow.

Hm... maybe it does work.