Thursday, March 4, 2010
730 More Days of Infertility, Stretch Marks and Self-Hatred
I typed out the title, read it over and over again, and then I cried.
Every week on The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans, we are given a project to help keep us motivated. I think this might be one of the most emotionally difficult projects I've had to do, but I'm glad I did it.
The question posed is: “What would it be like if I just started this journey two years from now?”
That's a pretty loaded question because there are so many reasons why I decided I needed to lose weight RIGHT NOW.
The two pictures, put side by side in this post are what really woke me up to the fact that I was having some problems with my weight. I *knew* that I was overweight, but I hadn't put two and two together and really *seen* how much heavier I had gotten over the past couple of years until I looked at those pictures. It was an awful, heart wrenching experience for me, but I didn't sit on my ass and feel sorry for myself... I decided something needed to be done.
Another thing that woke me up, was standing next to my family (on my mom's side). I know that sounds odd... I'll explain further. They are GORGEOUS people. I'm serious. Every last one of them is good looking... and I'm not just saying that because they're my family. I *used* to be "one of them" in that sense. Now, when I go to get togethers with my health conscious, doctor family full of super models, I feel fat and ugly and awful about myself. I shouldn't, but I do. It is a TERRIBLE feeling.
So... here is the hard part for me. “What would it be like if I just started this journey two years from now?”
I would be heavier. I would probably be A LOT heavier because for some reason I am totally blind to how much weight I gain unless I am looking at pictures of myself. I did not weigh myself until I decided to lose weight, so I would have never bought a scale. I would probably be well over 220 pounds by the time the 2 years was up, as I was already at close to 180 when I started this journey.
The stretch marks that began showing up on my stomach and hips would have increased. My stomach would look like a zebra. I would be absolutely mortified to take my shirt off in front of my husband.
My breast size would have increased, putting further strain on my back. They've already gotten HUGE in the last couple of years with the weight I put on and it is so incredibly uncomfortable for me, both emotionally AND physically. I can barely do the dishes without getting winded and my back hurting because of them. I feel like people are always staring at them and I despise them. They are gross and they make me look like a melted barbie doll when I'm naked. If I had waited two more years to start losing weight, I would probably vomit every time I looked in a mirror.
My family would talk about how heavy I had gotten and they would be incredibly concerned about me. I would know they were talking, either because I have heard them talk about weight gain among other people before, or because they would be concerned enough to talk to me about it directly, which would humiliate me. They would do it out of the goodness of their own heart because it is unhealthy for me and they love me, but I would feel disgusting and like everyone thought of me as the ugly one. Do you know how awful that is? I would be the ONLY overweight person in my family. I would hate myself and my self esteem would become non existent.
My blood pressure would sky rocket. My knees, which already hurt on occassion, would hurt on a consistent basis and I would feel crappy all the time. I would probably have diabetes, which runs in my family (on my dad's side).
Last but not least is the infertility. This is the hardest for me to talk about. This is something that I am already dealing with. My doctor has told me that my difficulties getting pregnant are probably due to being overweight. Undiagnosed infertility. She says that getting myself to a healthy weight will greatly (and I mean GREATLY) increase my chances of conception. She also says that it is difficult to maintain a healthy pregnancy when you're overweight because you run the risk of preeclampsia, gestational diabetes, and an increased chance of miscarriage.
If I were to wait two more years to lose weight, if I let myself gain MORE weight over those two years, I would be giving myself two more years of this fucking HELL.
730 more days of tears.
730 more days of hating my body because it can't perform a task that is effortless and often accidental in other women.
730 more days of wondering if my husband secretly resents me for not being able to give him a baby.
730 more days of wondering when it will be MY turn, if I will ever get to hold a baby in my arms, if I will ever know the joy of being a mother, the experience of pregnancy... these things which come so naturally to other women and are a complete mystery to me.
And if what my doctor says is true, and my infertility is solely due to my weight problem, and I waited another 2 years to start this journey...
I would have no one to blame but myself.
This is what would happen if I were to wait 2 more years. I've already waited a year and a half for a baby... there are others who have waited much longer than that, there are some who will wait forever.
I can only hope that by losing the weight NOW, I will get to experience loving myself, inner and outter beauty and motherhood *that much sooner.*