Thursday, March 4, 2010

730 More Days of Infertility, Stretch Marks and Self-Hatred

Rethink Your Shrink, The Monday Project

I typed out the title, read it over and over again, and then I cried.

Every week on The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans, we are given a project to help keep us motivated. I think this might be one of the most emotionally difficult projects I've had to do, but I'm glad I did it.

The question posed is: “What would it be like if I just started this journey two years from now?”

That's a pretty loaded question because there are so many reasons why I decided I needed to lose weight RIGHT NOW.

The two pictures, put side by side in this post are what really woke me up to the fact that I was having some problems with my weight. I *knew* that I was overweight, but I hadn't put two and two together and really *seen* how much heavier I had gotten over the past couple of years until I looked at those pictures. It was an awful, heart wrenching experience for me, but I didn't sit on my ass and feel sorry for myself... I decided something needed to be done.

Another thing that woke me up, was standing next to my family (on my mom's side). I know that sounds odd... I'll explain further. They are GORGEOUS people. I'm serious. Every last one of them is good looking... and I'm not just saying that because they're my family. I *used* to be "one of them" in that sense. Now, when I go to get togethers with my health conscious, doctor family full of super models, I feel fat and ugly and awful about myself. I shouldn't, but I do. It is a TERRIBLE feeling.

So... here is the hard part for me. “What would it be like if I just started this journey two years from now?”

I would be heavier. I would probably be A LOT heavier because for some reason I am totally blind to how much weight I gain unless I am looking at pictures of myself. I did not weigh myself until I decided to lose weight, so I would have never bought a scale. I would probably be well over 220 pounds by the time the 2 years was up, as I was already at close to 180 when I started this journey.

The stretch marks that began showing up on my stomach and hips would have increased. My stomach would look like a zebra. I would be absolutely mortified to take my shirt off in front of my husband.

My breast size would have increased, putting further strain on my back. They've already gotten HUGE in the last couple of years with the weight I put on and it is so incredibly uncomfortable for me, both emotionally AND physically. I can barely do the dishes without getting winded and my back hurting because of them. I feel like people are always staring at them and I despise them. They are gross and they make me look like a melted barbie doll when I'm naked. If I had waited two more years to start losing weight, I would probably vomit every time I looked in a mirror.

My family would talk about how heavy I had gotten and they would be incredibly concerned about me. I would know they were talking, either because I have heard them talk about weight gain among other people before, or because they would be concerned enough to talk to me about it directly, which would humiliate me. They would do it out of the goodness of their own heart because it is unhealthy for me and they love me, but I would feel disgusting and like everyone thought of me as the ugly one. Do you know how awful that is? I would be the ONLY overweight person in my family. I would hate myself and my self esteem would become non existent.

My blood pressure would sky rocket. My knees, which already hurt on occassion, would hurt on a consistent basis and I would feel crappy all the time. I would probably have diabetes, which runs in my family (on my dad's side).

Last but not least is the infertility. This is the hardest for me to talk about. This is something that I am already dealing with. My doctor has told me that my difficulties getting pregnant are probably due to being overweight. Undiagnosed infertility. She says that getting myself to a healthy weight will greatly (and I mean GREATLY) increase my chances of conception. She also says that it is difficult to maintain a healthy pregnancy when you're overweight because you run the risk of preeclampsia, gestational diabetes, and an increased chance of miscarriage.

If I were to wait two more years to lose weight, if I let myself gain MORE weight over those two years, I would be giving myself two more years of this fucking HELL.

730 more days of tears.

730 more days of hating my body because it can't perform a task that is effortless and often accidental in other women.

730 more days of wondering if my husband secretly resents me for not being able to give him a baby.

730 more days of wondering when it will be MY turn, if I will ever get to hold a baby in my arms, if I will ever know the joy of being a mother, the experience of pregnancy... these things which come so naturally to other women and are a complete mystery to me.

And if what my doctor says is true, and my infertility is solely due to my weight problem, and I waited another 2 years to start this journey...

I would have no one to blame but myself.

This is what would happen if I were to wait 2 more years. I've already waited a year and a half for a baby... there are others who have waited much longer than that, there are some who will wait forever.

I can only hope that by losing the weight NOW, I will get to experience loving myself, inner and outter beauty and motherhood *that much sooner.*


Jamee said...

I totally cried when I read this. Going through infertility, my heart aches for you. You will get to experience the joy of motherhood. I just know deep in my gut you will. You are an AMAZING and STRONG woman and you can totally do anything you put your mind to! Your weight loss journey has been totally inspiring and I am thankful to be your creepy internet friend and be a witness to it.

Drea said...

Hello, my darling darling schou schou face.

You know how they say Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" and "It's what's on the INSIDE that counts!"....they are filthy fucking liars.

You know me better than anyone, so when I say this you know I'm not rubbing it in. I look at pictures of myself from when I was younger, and I have lost weight. I've had two kids, and the pounds just went away. My boobies are gone (wouldn't Chris Q be disappointed?). My point is, I NOTICE the change you've made, and I admire you because you are doing it in a healthy, responsible way. You know how I do it? Over-exertion, anxiety, and practical starvation. You were with me when developed an eating disorder, and you know it's never really gone away. I am so so so so so so so so so proud of you for starting this journey now. You are doing an excellent job.

PS - Allen is a huge baby. Want to hold him? Does that come off as insensitive? I hope not. I love you mon petit schou schou!

Brooke said...

wow - what incredible motivation you have to get the weight off!!

*hugs* to you for starting - are you reading this people? the time to start is NOW.

Tiffany said...

OMG... What an incredibly beautiful and transparent post. It really is amazing to look into the future and puts everything into perspective. You are so beautiful and you deserve to experience the fullness of your beauty and of the amazing life that you are meant to live. I can't wait to read your real posts two years from now to see what you have created (or maybe conceived) now that you are honoring yourself and taking care of yourself. Make sure you keep this post close to your heart, so that you can guage your progress and your journey. Very well done!

Mommy Mo said...

Crying now.

Want to give you a big hug.

You will lose the weight.

You will conceive a child and experience the joys of motherhood.

You will see beauty when you look in the mirror- inside and out.

Lisa @ Shrinking Jeans

Christy M. said...

Oh my. You have me in tears. That was an amazing post, girl. Amazing. So honest and raw. So truthful and painful. I am so proud of you. So proud of you for taking the leap, for knowing what you need to do, and doing something about it. You are beautiful. You are strong. You are amazing.

Christie O. said...

wow. this is one of the most powerful posts i've ever read, and all i can do is nod along to the wonderful comments that have been written before me. Beautiful and transparent, yes, truly. Only great things can come from starting to live right now instead of waiting and it's not easy but it's so much better than waiting. *so many many hugs* to you!

Rachel Cotterill said...

You know what? I can feel your entire journey over the course of these words. This is such a powerful post... now you can just turn it around and realise that you're NOT leaving it two years, you're acting now, and how great that is for you. You go, girl! :D

Karena said...

Wonderful, honest post. Painfully honest -- it brings tears to my eyes to know that you're hurting like this. SO glad you're with us, battling this NOW.

I struggled with infertility for years, and I know the stress and self-worth issues that accompany it. Be proud that you are taking these steps, now, to make a healthy pregnancy a possibility.

Hugs to you, girl!

Babes about Town said...

It's my first time visiting your blog and I'm dazed by the emotion and honesty on here.

Sharing your journey is a powerful thing that can bring support, healing and also encouragement to many others. Keep an eye on the end goal and keep the faith.

Believe it will be worth it. I wish you all the luck in the world.