Wednesday Weigh-In and More!!

See that? I'm thinking Shrinkage.



In all seriousness, I'm very excited to be starting a new workout challenge. It's only seven weeks so it's not like I have to commit myself to a marriage of epic weight loss proportion. Polygamy is not my thing, I can barely keep up with ONE marriage, let alone two. But I digress...

The girls (and guy!) over at The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans have provided a wonderful support system, helpful tips, and plenty of resources so now I have NO EXCUSE to not lose the 10 pounds worth of absoulte crap like candy canes, white chocolate covered chex mix, peppermint bark, peanut brittle, hershey peppermint truffle kisses, and VODKA stress weight that I've gained in the last month.

Please keep in mind that this is my FIRST log-in for weight loss and the first day of my 7 week plan.

Here are my current stats:

Starting Weight: 174.4
7 Week Goal: 164.4

Things I've done differently today that I plan on doing in the future:

1. Eating breakfast
2. Wii workout w/ cardio, strength training, and yoga
3. Not talking badly about myself (I got all the self-bashing out in my post from yesterday)
4. NO SODA :::::weeps::::: I will miss you Dr. Pepper
5. Smoke crack

Wish me luck! :) Feel free to join in on the tortureFUN!

Holy Shit, I'm Fat.

So it has come to my attention that I'm overweight.

I've put off this idea for long enough. It's time to face the facts.

I actually have proof.

Here is me three years ago, on my wedding day. This is when I could eat an entire pizza. I had fast food and Starbucks 5 days a week and never gained a pound:


Please excuse the look of absolute terror on my face. I was afraid of falling while walking down the aisle and I was having a momentary freak-out attack when the photographer was nice enough to snap this shot. Jesus, I had such an awesome body. I was a size 6 or 8... maybe even a 4, I didn't even pay attention to the size of my pants back then.

Here is me now. when I can eat really well and gain 10 pounds in one month, even though it took me 10 months just to lose 15 pounds. I fluctuate between a size 12 and a size 14:


Looking at this makes me want to cry... seriously. I look HORRIBLE. Atrocious. Disgusting.

But the good thing is, I'm ready for a change.

I'm going to steal an idea from my friend Jamee over at A New Kind Of Normal and do Wednesday Weigh-Ins.

Pictures can show you what mirrors can't. I've been looking at my reflection every day of my life, and yet I could not see the MASSIVE difference between the way I looked three years ago, and the way I look now. I don't want to look like this anymore.

I never got into New Years Resolutions because I've never done something for myself unless I really wanted to... I have never seen a resolution through to the end. So, I refuse to call this a resolution. I'm going to chalk it up to coincidence that the New Year is 3 days away and just say that I have a strong desire to not look awful and that I'm finally going to do something about it.

Wish me luck, I'm going to need it.

It's just another manic Monday

Am I allowed to quote a song that's over 20 years old? Jesus... OVER 20 YEARS OLD? I was 3 when that song came out.

I absolutely idolized the Bangles and if you had told me that, 23 years later, I'd be sitting here using their lyrics to describe my day I'd have completely believed you.

I have been neglecting my blog for the last week or two. I managed to shove a Sexy Cupcake Saturday in, because I didn't want to disappoint all 7,000 of my readers.


Quite a few things have happened in the last 10 days, and almost none of them were good. Let's get the good stuff out of the way, shall we?

List Of Good Things That Happened To Me:
1. I got some nice stuff from my husband for Christmas. A couple pairs of comfy pajama pants (who doesn't love comfy pajama pants?!) and he used his bonus from work to buy us a new mattress (thank God, we needed it!).

2. My best friend got a webcam and we've been Skyping like crazy. I have seriously never had so much fun sitting in front of the computer and talking about random shit than I have in the last week with her.

3. I didn't die or get fatally wounded.

That's pretty much it.

List Of Bad Things That Happened To Me:
1. I got a positive pregnancy test... except that I don't think it was positive. I'm pretty sure it was a stupid evaporation line from a blue line test (Dollar General, to be specific) that I was dumb enough to buy. Oh my God, I was so incredibly excited. First, I laughed so hard I almost fainted. Then, I cried like a child and ran around my house screaming "I'M PREGNANT, I'M PREGNANT!!!!!" No one was home, by the way. After that, I sat on the floor of the bathroom and had a major freak out attack because I wondered how the hell I would make a good mother when I can't even do simple geometry and algebra. Yes, that was the first thing that popped into my head... I'm terrible at math and I instantly thought about the repercussions of my failed logic on my baby.

2. I bought a digital pregnancy test (mistake #2) and took it home, tested with that and got a negative. I sat in confusion for a little while and shrugged it off, thinking that I'd just test the next morning. Next morning I got another negative on the digital.

3. I bought pink line tests and strained my eyes until they were sore, trying with every ounce of my being to see that damned second line that never showed up.

4. I used up almost every dollar store blue line test I had, trying to see if I could find that faint blue line again... which I did... which didn't count because I'M NOT PREGNANT, I'M JUST FUCKING DELUSIONAL.

5. Fertility Friend took away my crosshairs AGAIN, so now not only does it look like I misread the tests, it also looks like I never even ovulated to begin with.

6. I've had so much advice from so many different people that I think I'm about to go on overload. Some people say a line is a line, congratulations. Some people say to wait and test again in a week. Some people say that Fertility Friend looks right and my temps are so all over the place that it doesn't even look like I ovulated.

I don't even know what to think anymore.

I'll tell you what has crossed my mind more than once this week. I'm sick of fucking charting. I'm sick of the constant disappointment I get when my temps drop and then the false hope when they rise, only to drop even more, and then rise again. It's like a non stop roller coaster of temperatures that end up meaning absolutely nothing in the end.

I'm sick of worrying that there is something wrong with me... something that they haven't been able to pinpoint from the testing that I've had so far. I'm sick of the fact that, even if I DID get tested for the fertility issues that some women face, I wouldn't be able to do anything about whatever it was that was wrong with me because I couldn't afford fertility treatment.

I can't afford adoption either.

I'm sick of feeling like, even though my husband says he'd be totally happy with just the two of us forever, it's MY fault that we haven't had a baby yet and that he somehow resents me for that. I know that's not true, but I see in his eyes the sadness whenever we go out and there's a dad holding his child or a cute baby goes by in a baby carriage.

He thinks I don't see the look on his face but I do.

And it hurts so bad because I know it's the exact same look that I have every single time I see someone fortunate enough to be pregnant or to have already had a baby.

I'm sick of it all, and I'm very seriously considering just giving it up for a while.

Sexy Cupcake Saturday!!

I'm a busy, busy bee this morning and I have many things to do... exciting things... taking three dogs to the park with my husband things!!!!!

I'll make this edition of Sexy Cupcake Saturday short and sweet (like frosting, yum!).

Being that it is "Christmas Weekend" and all, I wanted to find a super sexy cupcake that was the epitome of what I felt was a Merry Wintery awesomeness (don't make fun of my wording... I'm in a good mood).

:::::sings::::: It knows when you are sleeping, it knows when you're awake, it knows if you've been bad or good so just quit singing and eat the damn cupcake :P.

Here's your sexy Christmas cupcake for the week!!


I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas and that you have a wonderful New Year!

Sexy Cupcake Saturday!!

Here in North Carolina, we got our very first snow yesterday. It wasn't much, way less than an inch and it melted before it could really even make the landscaping look white. But it was exciting and beautiful anyways.

As I stared out my window with childlike wonder at the delicate white flakes fluttering to the ground, my first thought was: "coconuts." WHAT?! Isn't that weird? The snowflakes reminded me of coconuts. No one ever said I wasn't weird :P.

Weird or not, I wanted to find a lovely white cupcake with a Wintery feel and I wanted something with coconut.

After about an hour of intense searching through pictures of cupcakes that were really sub-par, I found this week's sexy cupcake via an article in Country Living. It really is, in my opinion, the best image I could find to pinpoint that wonderful feeling you get when you see the first snow of Winter.

Much thanks to Country Living for their contribution to this week's Sexy Cupcake Saturday!



Isn't it beautiful? Yum!

Not So Wordless Wednesday

Darrell Abbott: August 20th, 1966 - December 8th, 2004.
In rememberance of one of the most talented guitar players in modern day history.

What happened to this man is beyond disgusting and such a shame. He had so much music to give and it was all cut short.
I believe that his insanely amazing guitar playing will speak louder than anything I can ever post here, so I'll let his guitar do the talking.

You Like Me, You Really Like Me!! :)

My friend, Jamee, over at A New Kind Of Normal has bestowed upon me the Honest Scrap Award!

I feel so loved... and so honest! And perhaps even honestly loved :P
Ok, I'll stop gloating now.
The rules are that I list 10 honest things about myself and then pass the award on to some fellow bloggers.
The part about passing it on sounds fun, but do I really want to list 10 honest things about myself? Because, honestly (har har), I feel as though I might end up with my foot lodged in my mouth.
Here goes nothing!!

1. I have some weird ass phobias. I don't throw around that word lightly, either (phobia, not ass). I mean that they are actually debilitating fears. One of my phobias is of puking. I have not thrown up since I was 16, so about 10 years :::::knocks on wood:::::. I'm also terrified of *seeing or hearing* someone else throw up. It doesn't set off a chain reaction of vomitous proportion or anything, but usually when I see or hear someone puke, I immediately faint. Not one person has ever really been able to figure out why. I'm like one of those fainting goats!

2. My second phobia is of bugs. I'm ok with ants, but that's about it. Again, phobia is not an exaggeration. Want an example or two? We get these bugs in North Carolina, I'm not sure what they're called but they must breed in April or May because there are a bunch of them just lounging around the entrances to our house, sipping bug-martinis and waiting to scare the living shit out of me just by existing. I believe they are crane flies, but to me they just look like some evil crossbreed of a mosquito, a dragonfly and Satan. I will not go into my house if there is one in the immediate vicinity. I have literally sat in my car for 30 minutes and been late getting back to work (I work from home) because one of those demonic bastards was just hanging out on the wall near the front door. :::::shivers::::: Eeeeeeeew! Oh, and don't even get me started on beatles. I will seriously scream, curl up in a ball and cry if I see one near me. Like I said: PHOBIA.

3. I am *obsessed* with sharks. Go ahead and ask me about any specific shark and I can tell you something neat about them. When I was little, I went to the beach with my babysitter, her son, and my brother and I was hanging out on the sandbar (I lived in Ft. Lauderdale at the time) and a shark swam right past me. I could have reached out and touched it. To my small, young self it looked HUGE, but I'm sure that in reality it was probably only 3 or 4 feet. That experience really changed me for some reason and ever since I have done a lot of personal research on sharks.

4. I'm big into ocean protection/conservation. I am a regular contributor to www.oceana.org and I get super mega pissed when I hear about people screwing with coral reefs, oceanic ecosystems, and endangered marine life.

5. I am the biggest beach bum at heart. I could listen to Jimmy Buffett and drink pina coladas all damn day (well, maybe not the pina colada part... but it's 5:00 somewhere right? Ha, pun). I moved to Charlotte from Ft. Lauderdale without even thinking about the fact that I was 20 minutes from one of the most gorgeous beaches in the United States and I miss the ocean every day. Even with it being only 3 hours to the beach from here, I literally feel parched and sad and my soul feels all dry. Every time I go to visit family in South Florida I seriously have to breathe deep and clutch the steering wheel or I will cry because I can actually FEEL that I'm closer to the ocean. It sounds so incredibly stupid, but it's true. My husband calls me a mermaid... most people call me weird LOL.

6. I think it's strange when people scoff at others who think mythical creatures like Loch Ness, faeries, and mermaids might actually exist (cryptozoologists and others). 500 years ago, everyone who thought the Earth was round was viewed as a complete psycho because any sane person knew that it was flat and that you'd drop straight off the edge if you went too far. Millions of people believe in God and no one has ever seen Him but they know in their hearts He is real. Why is it so different with something else that no one has ever seen? If you've never seen something with your own two eyes, how can you possibly believe in it so strongly and then believe so strongly that someone else is wrong about something they've never seen? Got me? People are weird.

7. I like to put barbecue sauce on my tuna fish (it makes it sort of sweet) and I *love* to get cheese pizza and put oreos on top of it. Seriously, try it, it's awesome.

8. My favorite kind of pizza is Hawaiian. I usually pick off the ham and just leave the pineapple on, but sometimes I'll eat the ham too. I could eat Hawaiian pizza 7 days a week.

9. I have never eaten a tropical fruit I didn't like. Give me coconut, bananas, pineapples, papayas, mangos, guava, etc. and I'll be good for the rest of my life. Mmmmm, fruit! :)

10. I'm obsessed with my blog. I check it every few minutes to see if I have any new followers or new comments. Every time I get a new follower I go running to my husband like a crazy woman "I got a new follower, I got a new follower!!" I think my ultimate dream is to be the next Dooce. It'll never happen, but this is Honest Scrap, so I'm admitting it. :P
And now, to pass it on! And the award goes to :::::drum roll::::: I love drum rolls!!

1. Drea at If Only She'd Shut Up! ... she is actually the most honest person I know. Sometimes I wish it weren't so :P
2. Shannon at Milk and Cuddles
3. Sara at Sara Spelled Without an H
4. Mommakin at Keep in Touch With Mommakin

Sexy Cupcake Saturday!!

It's that time again!! Woohoo!!

My best friend (in the whole wide WORLD), Drea, over at If Only She'd Shut Up! found this week's Sexy Cupcake for me.

I'm not sure where she found it, but I can bet it was somewhere in Las Vegas. Yeah, somewhere on the strip in Las Vegas. Drea used to live there and she knows Vegas like the back of her hand. She's probably got seedy cupcakes all over that town!

There are very few things in life that make me happier than cupcakes. Hmmmm, let's see... there's my husband, my friends, family, money... DIAMONDS.

I'm pretty sure that Drea, being my best friend (in the whole wide WORLD, duh) knows that I am obsessed with diamonds and pretty much anything else that's sparkly. I'm pretty sure she tricked me into this... because she knew I'd *have* to use this and that I'd give her credit.

Oh, Drea, you sly sly fox!!

It's not like I could turn down a sexy cupcake that is laced with freaking DIAMONDS!

If Marilyn Monroe were to get stuck in some machine that could magically morph her into a cupcake she'd probably come out looking something like this:



There she is, people! Bask in her sparkly glory (quick, before I try to sell her at the pawn shop)!

Thanks, Drea, for your contribution of cupcake sexiness!! :) I'm not sure if I mentioned this, but you are my best friend in the whole wild WORLD.

Have a great weekend, everyone! I'm off to Jacksonville to have our crazy annual Christmas get together with the family. There will be much drinking, smoking of the hookah pipe and belly dancing around the lit up palm tree.

**If you have a cupcake you'd like me to feature, please email me at americantribal@gmail.com**

Cue the Scary Music

(No seriously, press the play button, it really gives this post that je ne sais quois)



Because HERE SHE COMES!!!!!

It's.....












Aw, that was a little anti-climactic.

I'm sorry.

But seriously, I have some pretty nasty cramps today. Those paired with the bloating and overall disgusting feeling that comes with the dreaded period is just another reason to not get all faklempt with hope this cycle.

My temperatures are still spiked, and I'm currently at 15 days past ovulation. I guess technically I should be super-mega-duper excited but I'm not. Surprisingly, I was extremely excited two days ago, but not so much anymore. Weird how that works. Actually, no, that's not weird. That's me being stupid and forgetting that I tested that day and got a negative... THAT'S why I'm not as excited.

Testing that day was sort of dumb of me anyways because I'm not considered "late" until the 15th of this month... but come on, seriously. Even though the box for the test said it wouldn't be accurate because, at that point, I was still a week prior to being "late." Lots of people test at thirteen days past ovulation. All of my friends told me they would have tested if they were in my shoes!

:::::giggle:::::

Shut up, you'd have done it too.

Wordless Wolf Wednesdays

Oh my goodness... what the hell?

Ok, so the crosshairs are back... and now my temp has spiked and I'm 13 days past ovulation.

Ummmm....

Ummmm....

I don't know. I refuse to get my hopes up. I haven't even told my husband because the poor guy sat through all my weeping yesterday morning when I lost my crosshairs.

Other than some slight cramping I have had NO symptoms. It's not like period cramps... it sort of feels like there's a balloon expanding in my abdomen. That's it though. Again, I'm not fishing for symptoms and I definitely don't want to get my hopes up. Just reporting what I remember.

So, I guess we'll see where it goes from here.

Here it is if you'd like to have a look: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/29a70b

I.Hate.My.Body.

Fertility Friend took away my crosshairs.

See?: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/29a70b

I really felt as though there was a good, clear thermal shift around the 12th when they told me I had ovulated, but apparently not.

I mean, I know our timing was horrible because we were travelling and everything so I knew I wouldn't have a chance in Hell (or Heaven) at being pregnant, but I was ecstatic that I actually ovulated.

Now my chart looks just as disgusting as it did last month.

And now I'm starting to see a pattern. It's not a logical pattern because this is only my second month charting, but it's enough of one in my mind to warrant a few tears. The same thing that happened last month is happening now, except this time, I was given a bit of hope and it was taken away from me.

This isn't logical, and I totally realize that, but I know I will get my period. Again, it's the same thing that happened last month. I was begging, pleading with my body and with God to NOT give me my period on time because I had obviously not ovulated, and who wants an annovulatory period? Not me. It's like getting an ice cream cone without the ice cream. What's the point of the fucking cone if you don't have any ice cream?!!

So, this will be my second annovulatory period in a row.

I'm not special, I know that. I'm no different than anyone else, I understand that. I don't deserve a baby more than the next poor woman who is having problems getting pregnant.

When we decided we wanted a baby, almost 14 months ago, I knew I might have some problems.

But never in a million fucking years did I think that I'd be where I am right now. Crying in front of a computer screen because some STUPID website that isn't inside of my body was telling me there was something abnormal about the way my body works. And that slight abnormality was preventing me from getting pregnant.

Hey, body...

Sexy Cupcake Saturday!!

OMG OMG! I have my first featured blogger for Sexy Cupcake Saturday, HOORAY!

Ok... is everyone here? Yes? Great! Pop a squat (ew, what a horrid way of saying "please sit")... er, have a seat if you would and let me show you something awesome.

As stated above, today is my first ever featured blogger for Sexy Cupcake Saturday. You may have noticed her button on the side of my blog.

I am a hookerjunkie (yes, dammit, an absolute hookerjunkie) for cupcakes and she provides me with a good dose of cupcake crack on a nice, consistent basis. Thank goodness, otherwise I might have withdrawals.

Our cupcake connoisseur this week is :::::drum roll please::::: MISS DOT'S CUPCAKE SPOT

She also has: SAVING THE WORLD ONE CUPCAKE AT A TIME

There are more than a few reasons why Miss Dot is one of the most awesome cupcake bloggers around. One, she's funny... very funny. Two, she makes awesome cupcakes. Three, she's funny and makes awesome cupcakes. Four, well... maybe I should stop.

The cupcakes we chose to feature today are very fitting, considering that this is Sexy Cupcake SATURDAY and the cupcakes pictured here are Saturday Morning Cupcakes.



These cupcakes are beautiful, chic, they combine all that is awesome in the color sphere. Pinks, browns, white, silver, yellow... as if we ever needed any other color! It's just too bad I can't reach into my screen and steal one.

Don't look at me like that! SO? I'd steal it. Does that make me so bad? At least I'm honest... It IS Saturday, and they ARE Saturday Morning Cupcakes. It makes sense. Der.

Mmmmmm, we just need a nice cup of coffee and we'll be ready to tackle the day!

Thanks, Miss Dot, for your awesome contribution of cupcake coolness!

A Night at the Theatre

Last night I was lucky enough to catch the Charlotte Symphony doing a Christmas concert at the Belk Theatre. It was a pretty small event that was being held by the Presbyterian church, one of which I have no affiliation to, but I am *never* one to turn down live music.
The conductor was Albert-George Schram. Let me tell you something, I have never in my life seen a conductor with that much spirit. This little man, who looked eerily similar to Albert Einstein (and my father :::::snort:::::) was up on stage bouncing and dancing and getting the audience to participate in things. Too often, we have conductors who further the stereotype that classical music should be appreciated with a stern ear, that we musn't tap our feet in unison with the beat, that we must listen but not sway our bodies to the music. I never understood how they could stand so still while moving their arms in such a stiff manner. Not Mr. Schram, no way! He was dancing all over his podium and it was quite possibly the most beautiful thing I've seen this season. I swear that if you stared hard enough at him, you could probably see little streams of energy-lights shooting out of his head and into the sky like fireworks. He was awesome, and that's putting it lightly.

As far as the music goes, well, suffice it to say that I was in Heaven. It has been so long since I've sat in a chair and listened to some good, live classical music. Actually, it has been too long. That might not seem like such a big deal to some people, but I grew up on this stuff. Literally. My parents were HUGE on taking me to classical music concerts, the ballet, opera, american musical theatre. If they thought it would increase my cultural open-mindedness and artistic tendencies, we were there, front row!

It was almost pathetic, but I knew it would happen. We sat, the overhead lights dimmed, the beautiful stage was lit with all sorts of amazing lowlights in holiday shades, the music began... and I started crying. I know why I cried because it happens to me on the rare occassion that I get to watch live music.

For one thing, I am a musician. In my heart and in my soul there is always music. I hear music when I'm walking through the grocery store, you know, that soft music that noone ever pays attention to as they're shopping? I'm the one that's humming it softly or tapping my fingers to its beat on the shopping cart. I hear music when the Fall winds blow leaves off the trees, I hear it as the rain hits my chimney and I hear the tempo in thunder. In every part of my being there is music and it never, ever goes away.

I hope this isn't sounding crazy. It is damn near impossible to explain these things to people who don't appreciate music in the same way. It's the easiest thing, however, to explain it to another musician.

For me, music isn't just music, it's life. Or, to be more accurate, perhaps I should say that it's more like breath. I need it to live.

It's almost like I've been hybernating for a few years and when I get to hear live music I come out of a long, deep sleep.

Yesterday, I got to wake up for the first time in a long time.

It's not the same when it's you playing the music by yourself. If that were the case, I could have this feeling every day when I pick up my guitar or bang a song out on my piano. Anyone who has ever been in a band knows that. There's something that is literally AWESOME about playing music with others. It can be more meaningful than sex and it can bring you closer to someone than you ever imagined possible.

Music takes my soul and transforms it into something physical, something that I can actually experience with my senses.

It is the closest I have ever come to God.

Wordless Wolf Wednesdays

Lines, beautiful lines.

I ovulated.

I'm so happy I could shit a brick.

Our timing sucks and I know there is a slim chance in hell that I'm actually pregnant because there was no sex in my fertile window, thanks to Thanksgiving travel, but who gives a flying matzo ball? I freaking ovulated and I'm ecstatic. I spoke with my doctor and she said that she believed I would start ovulating normally once I dropped some weight, and since I've dropped 15 pounds in the last few months, I think I'm on the right track. Let's hope this continues.

My chart doesn't look *that* impressive because, once again, I was traveling over Thanksgiving so I didn't get to chart my temperatures that often, but I still got some dotted cross hairs.

When I saw those cross hairs magically appear this morning I literally choked on my coffee.

Want to see? Check it out!: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/29a70b

Isn't it beautiful? :::::sighs:::::

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go vomit rainbows and shit butterflies... and perhaps I'll even burp up something akin to this: